Broken

I'm in love with a man that I've just broken up with. That makes no sense, does it? No, it doesn't. 

He's the perfect man for me. He's kind, aware of my needs and utterly willing to meet them, so full of love and tenderness for me, encouraging, patient, honest. He's wonderful. 

But he lives 4500 miles away and I'm not strong enough to do distance any longer. He was willing to put everything in his life away for me. He planned to move all this way, just for me, and I told him I couldn't wait. 

I caved to the pressure I feel from everyone else to be able to explain our age difference, when the only explanation I have is that I love him. I'm in love with him.

I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've been looking at what it would mean if we eloped, so he could legally stay here, so we wouldn't have to wait... Even then, I have to have a full time job to prove (to the government) I can support us both until his  work status was changed. I don't have a full time job, I can't prove that I can bring him here. 

And it feels like I can't keep waiting. I am such a fool. I hurt everywhere. I deserve it for hurting my best friend, the man I love, like this. I don't deserve him and his love. That much is obvious. I'm an idiot, a fool, and I'm cruel. 

I am so broken.

relaxing

Today has been so nice in a totally lazy way. Holy cow, I feel like I needed it. I slept in, caught up on some stuff saved on my DVR. Then I hit the gym and grocery store. I grabbed BBQ to go for lunch, came home, hit the shower, and then I took a glorious nap.

Goodness gracious, it was excellent.

I also think I'm going through withdrawals from having Drew around. I miss him. It's nice being in the same place. That much would seem really obvious, and it is. I think what we have is worth it, but some days, like just after he's headed back to England, it's hard.

That picture is us at the dueling piano bar in Bricktown. It wasn't as good as the ones I've been to in NOLA, Austin, or Houston, but it was fun. A lot of fun. We enjoy the dueling piano bar thing so very much. It just makes me happy. 

Drew also has a hard time looking at the iPhone camera. haha. Oh the number of photos I have where he's staring off into space. 

need to get at it

Between ACPA and Drew being in town the running has fallen away a lot more than I wanted it to. This week has also been moving at about 500 miles a minute. At least it seems that way. It's just been a lot.

I did the bump up to a 5 minute run for the first time earlier this week. It was surprisingly easy for the first five minutes. I am going a lot slower than I initially was, but it's progress still. I am hoping that once I've got the distance down I can increase my speed slowly but surely as it gets easier. That's the natural progression, right?

I also am thinking about switching to running on the track every now and then. Out on the course I won't have the clock in front of me or the track of the treadmill propelling my feet behind me. I should prepare for that. The Huff, the on campus gym, has an indoor track. Maybe it's time to start transitioning to that? Oh magical interwebs, do you have an answer for me?

And I need a nap. Anyone want to work another couple of hours for me?

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? 

Normally, I'm off at 12:30 (so, right now), but one of my coworkers had a baby last night. While that's excellent, I've picked up extra hours everyday to make up for her absence. This is good because I'll get more money, but more tiring for me too. Oh, tradeoffs.

Also, anyone want to hang out this weekend? I have no plans and would like some. Any takers?

I didn't fall off the blogging wagon....

Not that anyone noticed I was gone, haha. I have two totally awesome followers who I think are great. That's the grand total of my readership though. That's ok by me, maybe one day there will be more. But, that's not the point. The point is that I did not forget about the lucky two. I have a good reason for why I was MIA.

Drew came to visit for Spring Break! 

It was great fun. We really spent most of the time keeping it low key. It was wonderful. With how crazy my life has been for the past several weeks, it was actually perfect not to have a million things going on. 

We went to two OU baseball games, made a trip to Lawton, OK to work on a project for my Lean/Six Sigma greenbelt certification (what fun), went to a dueling piano bar in Bricktown, and just chilled. It was excellent.  

I am a lucky girl :). 

VDay bummer, awesome, and not VDay, BDay!

I've mentioned before that Drew lives in the United Kingdom. We met when I was over there to do school. Yes, he has a fabulous accent. I love it.

There are times that long distance isn't horrific. I honestly believe a couple can make long distance work if they are both honest, truly committed, and willing to sacrifice. I'd say that Drew and I do all of that. We work really hard to make it work. We see each other via skype almost daily, if not a time or two a day. We also email regularly to keep up with each other since we can't call or text like other couples do.

All that said, it's hard to go to events by by myself because I'm with someone. I adore that someone, so it's worth it, but it's hard. It's hard that we get to see each other four times a year. We're moving toward marriage and rectifying all of this, but for now, we do the long distance relationship, and days like Valentine's Day are hard.

We decided to mail handwritten cards this year and celebrate when he's here to visit in March. I'm so looking forward to March. It will be here sooner than I think, but until then, we're on our own for VDay and it kind of sucks.

                                                                          

On another, awesome, excellent and totally related note: Today we held the One Billion Rising event we planned in connection with this year's Vagina Monologues. If you don't know about OBR, you definitely need to check it out. The goal is to end violence against women all over the world. 1 in 3 women will be raped, beaten or murdered in her life time. In my family of five... that means statistically that either me, Kirby, or my mom will experience one of those atrocities. Pretty awful huh? Join us in DANCING to raise awareness and to stop the violence today.

I rise because I don't want to watch another person in my life - my sister, my mother, my friends - hurt by violence. Rise up, DANCE, stop the violence!

                                                                          

To wrap this special VDay post up, I'm going to end with a special message for my younger brother:

Happy 23rd Birthday, Michael!