This and that and whoa, a lot.

Summer school might be the death of me. There was a mistake online and I thought my course was spread out over the next few weekends. WRONG. It's the next two weeks Monday-Friday 1-5pm everyday.

This means I'm working from 8-noon, summer school from 1-5, meetings and events following, and then around 100 pages of reading every night plus assignments on top of that. I am a lot luckier than some - I'm not working full time. I do feel rather overwhelmed though.

I've lost five pounds in the last four days though. Hurrah! I'd like to keep that trend going.

I also have Alex's wedding this weekend. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm so looking forward to celebrating with her and Jeff. She's going to make a STUNNING bride. There is no doubt of that. It's just getting out of this head space that I'm in right now to fully enjoy the celebration. I think Friday morning mains and pedis with the bride and other bridesmaids will be just the trick.

start.rant//Norman does not have anywhere I can find a pair of black, satin, peep toe, pumps. Um, WHAT?!? It's not like I'm looking for 6 inch hot pink and electric blue metal studded wedges in size 13. I'm looking for a wardrobe staple shoe to wear with my dress and can't find a pair. I suppose I deserve it for waiting so long to look for a pair. I'm just super strapped for time and need to make an OKC trip at some point. Ain't nobody got time for that.//end.rant

Anyone else have fun plans for the weekend?

it hurts so bad sometimes

My sister just told me that right after I left for college my brother used to tell her that she needed to make sure she went to the gym so she didn't end up like Mallory. By like Mallory he meant fat. Kirby was a pudgy little kid. She wasn't fat, but she wasn't skinny. Puberty, sweat, and pressure from a lot of people did what most of us would call wonderful things to her body. I think she's stunning. I also know that while I'm biased on that, it's also the absolute truth. She worked hard and the extra inches she gained in the height department I'm consistently jealous of worked WONDERS. Kirby is beautiful on the inside and the outside.

I find it ironic that I'm crying as I write this post considering how I celebrated a small accomplishment diametrically opposed to this conversation in my post yesterday. I also find it especially heartbreaking and hurtful considering that after Michael came back from his awful study abroad experience in China with an extra fifty-ish pounds packed on his body, I was the one to defend him to a lot of people. I've spent years on the receiving end of those god-awful comments. I would not wish that experience on anyone, including my (occasional) jerk of a brother, and yet that is clearly not a two way street.

I know I'm not perfect, but I am a good person. I work hard, love big, am loyal to a fault, and so sincerely enjoy being my friends' biggest cheerleader, but I'm the person my own sister is warned away from being similar to. I am the person she needed to watch herself around so she didn't end up like me.

You know, because what I've got is contagious. And, because we all know that being a fat person is clearly a worse fate than being a bad person. Clearly.

And the people who know me wonder why I'm in therapy...? Some days are good days, and some days just really suck.

thumbs up

I hit the 230s. I didn't hit 230, but the first two numbers of my current weight are 2 and 3, in that order. I know that for a lot of people out there, you might be thinking, "Dang, that's something blog worthy?", but, for me, this is absolutely blog worthy. I'm a girl who definitely hit a whopping 302 towards the end of my senior year of college. I'm not busting out the happy dance at the 230s, but I am going to give myself a thumbs up and a nod.

or I'll let Taylor give me a thumbs up and a nodd. whatever. 

Random thought: why do we call it thumbs up even if it's only one thumb. That gif isn't TSwift giving me a thumb (singular) up - even though she totally is. 

Ok, back to why I'm posting, this is cool. I had a really long plateau, think 8 weeks long, of being in the 240s. I started running and still was not losing ANY weight... what the heck? I couldn't tell ya.

Regardless, I don't remember the last time I weighed in the 230s and this is coming off of Vegas and rich food, people. It could have been the end of high school... maybe? When you spend a lot of time feeling ashamed of your weight, and believe me, I totally have spent a TON of time being ashamed, you try to avoid the scale like it will give you leprosy forget the numbers on the scale ASAP. It doesn't feel good to look at a number that society tells you that you should be ashamed of, and I think that's probably putting it lightly when I'm totally honest. 

So, when I stepped on the scale this morning before work, saw 239.4; I did a double take, and smiled when the number stuck. It's not perfect, skinny, or even remotely in the normal/healthy range by any means, but it's a process. I'm taking steps to be where I'd like to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. And I get to give myself a thumbs up for that. 

High five to all the other ladies who have been here, who have struggled, and made it through. And to all the other chicas who are stuck, want to change, but are overwhelmed at where to begin or how daunting a task it seems to be, I feel you. I know where you are. You aren't invisible. I support your choice to stay exactly as you are or to make changes. You get to decide, and I support you either way.