Yes, that.

As much as I love class, and I do love my classes, summer school is still trying to kill me.

I have fifteen 500 word essays to write for Monday. Awesome. Not.

My eyeballs also feel like I went swimming in the ocean for ten hours while clothes pins hold my eyelids open. They hurt, a lot.

I need a nap, an extra week to do all the things, something to make me sleep, and some simple solutions to big problems that I can't fix.

Yes, that.

This and that and whoa, a lot.

Summer school might be the death of me. There was a mistake online and I thought my course was spread out over the next few weekends. WRONG. It's the next two weeks Monday-Friday 1-5pm everyday.

This means I'm working from 8-noon, summer school from 1-5, meetings and events following, and then around 100 pages of reading every night plus assignments on top of that. I am a lot luckier than some - I'm not working full time. I do feel rather overwhelmed though.

I've lost five pounds in the last four days though. Hurrah! I'd like to keep that trend going.

I also have Alex's wedding this weekend. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm so looking forward to celebrating with her and Jeff. She's going to make a STUNNING bride. There is no doubt of that. It's just getting out of this head space that I'm in right now to fully enjoy the celebration. I think Friday morning mains and pedis with the bride and other bridesmaids will be just the trick.

start.rant//Norman does not have anywhere I can find a pair of black, satin, peep toe, pumps. Um, WHAT?!? It's not like I'm looking for 6 inch hot pink and electric blue metal studded wedges in size 13. I'm looking for a wardrobe staple shoe to wear with my dress and can't find a pair. I suppose I deserve it for waiting so long to look for a pair. I'm just super strapped for time and need to make an OKC trip at some point. Ain't nobody got time for that.//end.rant

Anyone else have fun plans for the weekend?

numero dos

Welcome to post number two about the crazy that I can lovingly call the past few weeks. 

I do not doubt you wait on baited breath to read about how Color Me Rad 2013 went. I won't drag out the suspense any longer, this is the post you anticipated. 

I decided to do a 5k a few months back. Now, I do not like running. In fact, I detest it. This is why deciding to run a 5k was somewhat out of character. Ok, a lot out of character. This is how my day started: 

Yes, I'm super fly. All clean and shiney, I was ready to go. I spent the last several months training for Color Me Rad. My initial reaction to training was somewhat skin to my thoughts on slathering myself with sugar water and hanging out in the Houston bayous without mosquito spray. That said, it got a little better. 

Then I fell off the bandwagon a bit when the semester went crazy on me. Combined with the course being mainly gravel and potholed road, and the fact I had a wedding to attend later that evening, I did not attempt to run the whole thing. I wasn't ready. I did the 5k anyway and had a lot of fun. 

This picture is right before the race started after the preface zumba class.

This photo is just after I crossed the finished line. I ran about 20 minutes of the 5k in total over several different parts. 

I could be disappointed in myself for not running the whole thing, and if running was my gig, I might be. But running hurts and it takes so much effort for me. I am just proud of myself for getting out there by myself. I was my own motivation. 

It was worth it and I'm going to keep working at it. I'm worth the effort. 

first of a few

It's been a busy time in microcosm called graduate school. This semester consumed every bit of energy I held in reserve and a little more just for good measure. Lost somewhere between the good, the bad, and the ugly, I found a little bit of equilibrium.

I have pictures to prove it. This will be the first of a few posts summing up the past few months. 

Let's start with friends. This subject is both awesome and tough. I've made a few close friends at OU this time around. I've also spent a lot of time alone. Sometimes, it's just really hard. I've met some great friends that I've gotten to do really bomb things with. Kate is a perfect example. She's wonderful and we get along so very, very well.

We made these awesome ottomans from shipping palates. Yes, we're legit. 

Then, there have been other moments with people I would call friends that make me realize I'm just not a cool kid and probably won't ever be. I'm ok with being nerdy, passionate, and a know-it-all. I have to accept those parts of myself because I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. They've always been there.  I always considered myself a good friend, though. I am loyal, generous with my time, energy, and anything I can share, and I love to be my friends' biggest cheerleader. These are truths about me as a person. 

But, it hurts when a huge group of people I would have counted close friends from undergrad and some  people I've only come to know this year, but would consider friends, don't think to include me in some fun stuff they're doing. I wish I could say it's just a random oversight, but this is also a group of people I'd call the cool kids of undergrad. I was not a cool kid by any stretch, but I did work closely with many of this group so many times for different events. Some of them I even considered my closest friends from my bachelors'. I am learning that it wasn't necessarily a two way street. 

And that's really hard. I want to accept it and be thankful of the people I do have in my life. The ones that want me around as much as I want to hang around with them are the people who should matter. Still, when I realize that I'm not a cool kid and plenty of people don't think of me as someone to invite when they are the people I would think to invite, it makes my breath catch if it hits me in the right moment. Ouch. 

And all of this made me think. I'm grateful for the people who matter, and will work on reminding myself that not everyone needs to like me as long as I love myself. It's a process. I'm working on it.

Whoa March

So, I was a bad blogger in March. I went from a whopping 20 posts in February to a measly 11 in March. Yikes.

I don't dig it.

I will say that I feel like I had some legitimate reasons. ACPA and Spring Break (which were both WONDERFUL - holy awesomeness) were each a week long and did not really include much blogging. I'm ok with this.

But, I'm back at it and not planning to let that be a trend. I'm an avid blog follower person, and I check at least 4 times a week on my favorites. I want them to be full of fresh exciting things every time (I know, I'm high maintenance), but that's only a tad hypocritical if I'm not keeping up the pace.

So, to apologize and rectify the problem, I'm sending love and awesome in the form of frilly pink dresses, super cute accents, and preciousness.

You're welcome. 

sometimes things are simple

I'm currently working on my Greenbelt project for the Lean/Six Sigma class I took a few weekends ago. 

"Six Sigma seeks to improve the quality of process outputs by identifying and removing the causes of defects (errors) and minimizing variability in manufacturing and business processes.^[5] It uses a set of quality management methods, including statistical methods, and creates a special infrastructure of people within the organization ("Champions", "Black Belts", "Green Belts", "Orange Belts", etc.) who are experts in these very complex methods.^[5] Each Six Sigma project carried out within an organization follows a defined sequence of steps and has quantified financial targets (cost reduction and/or profit increase).<sup>[5]" (Wikipedia)

"</sup>Lean manufacturing, lean enterprise, or lean production, often simply, "Lean," is a production practice that considers the expenditure of resources for any goal other than the creation of value for the end customer to be wasteful, and thus a target for elimination. Working from the perspective of the customer who consumes a product or service, "value" is defined as any action or process that a customer would be willing to pay for." (wikipedia)

So, it's really thrilling stuff that is going to be *extremely* valuable for my career in Higher Education (please tell me you recognized the sarcasm).  

My dad said I should do it, so I'm doing it. Gotta love being an overachieving, people pleaser. It's been fine, but more more work to add to an already exhausting semester. 

Occasionally though, things are simple. I was able to download a report that had already analyzed the survey results from the customer satisfaction survey we did. Thank goodness for that. Holy moly. 

need to get at it

Between ACPA and Drew being in town the running has fallen away a lot more than I wanted it to. This week has also been moving at about 500 miles a minute. At least it seems that way. It's just been a lot.

I did the bump up to a 5 minute run for the first time earlier this week. It was surprisingly easy for the first five minutes. I am going a lot slower than I initially was, but it's progress still. I am hoping that once I've got the distance down I can increase my speed slowly but surely as it gets easier. That's the natural progression, right?

I also am thinking about switching to running on the track every now and then. Out on the course I won't have the clock in front of me or the track of the treadmill propelling my feet behind me. I should prepare for that. The Huff, the on campus gym, has an indoor track. Maybe it's time to start transitioning to that? Oh magical interwebs, do you have an answer for me?

And I need a nap. Anyone want to work another couple of hours for me?

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? 

Normally, I'm off at 12:30 (so, right now), but one of my coworkers had a baby last night. While that's excellent, I've picked up extra hours everyday to make up for her absence. This is good because I'll get more money, but more tiring for me too. Oh, tradeoffs.

Also, anyone want to hang out this weekend? I have no plans and would like some. Any takers?

I didn't fall off the blogging wagon....

Not that anyone noticed I was gone, haha. I have two totally awesome followers who I think are great. That's the grand total of my readership though. That's ok by me, maybe one day there will be more. But, that's not the point. The point is that I did not forget about the lucky two. I have a good reason for why I was MIA.

Drew came to visit for Spring Break! 

It was great fun. We really spent most of the time keeping it low key. It was wonderful. With how crazy my life has been for the past several weeks, it was actually perfect not to have a million things going on. 

We went to two OU baseball games, made a trip to Lawton, OK to work on a project for my Lean/Six Sigma greenbelt certification (what fun), went to a dueling piano bar in Bricktown, and just chilled. It was excellent.  

I am a lucky girl :). 

thumbs up

I hit the 230s. I didn't hit 230, but the first two numbers of my current weight are 2 and 3, in that order. I know that for a lot of people out there, you might be thinking, "Dang, that's something blog worthy?", but, for me, this is absolutely blog worthy. I'm a girl who definitely hit a whopping 302 towards the end of my senior year of college. I'm not busting out the happy dance at the 230s, but I am going to give myself a thumbs up and a nod.

or I'll let Taylor give me a thumbs up and a nodd. whatever. 

Random thought: why do we call it thumbs up even if it's only one thumb. That gif isn't TSwift giving me a thumb (singular) up - even though she totally is. 

Ok, back to why I'm posting, this is cool. I had a really long plateau, think 8 weeks long, of being in the 240s. I started running and still was not losing ANY weight... what the heck? I couldn't tell ya.

Regardless, I don't remember the last time I weighed in the 230s and this is coming off of Vegas and rich food, people. It could have been the end of high school... maybe? When you spend a lot of time feeling ashamed of your weight, and believe me, I totally have spent a TON of time being ashamed, you try to avoid the scale like it will give you leprosy forget the numbers on the scale ASAP. It doesn't feel good to look at a number that society tells you that you should be ashamed of, and I think that's probably putting it lightly when I'm totally honest. 

So, when I stepped on the scale this morning before work, saw 239.4; I did a double take, and smiled when the number stuck. It's not perfect, skinny, or even remotely in the normal/healthy range by any means, but it's a process. I'm taking steps to be where I'd like to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. And I get to give myself a thumbs up for that. 

High five to all the other ladies who have been here, who have struggled, and made it through. And to all the other chicas who are stuck, want to change, but are overwhelmed at where to begin or how daunting a task it seems to be, I feel you. I know where you are. You aren't invisible. I support your choice to stay exactly as you are or to make changes. You get to decide, and I support you either way. 

exhausted much?

So, I slept for 18 hours yesterday. Um, what? 

Apparently, Vegas, all the excitement of ACPA, coming home to finish my Greenbelt class (not the project - that's just starting), knowing I have an exam to cram for on Monday, and everything else going on since the start of February sent my body into crash mode.

I don't think I've ever slept so long in my entire life. My mother would be ashamed. She used to tell us naps meant we were being lazy. I have worked hard to rewire that notion. Sometimes, they are just necessary and that's ok.

After my greenbelt (LEAN/Six Sigma) class in the morning and lunch/work time with my group to get the project rolling, I went home for what I intended to be a brief nap followed by time at the library to study for my Adult Learner test. That was about 2:30. I woke up at 8:30, looked at the clock and said, "Nope, no studying today." I used the restroom, crawled back into bed and went back to sleep. I woke up again around 1:30 for another bathroom break, then I went back to bed until about 7:30 this morning.

I was tired. 

And for the first time in weeks, I woke up totally rested rather than dragging as if I hadn't slept. 

It was glorious and necessary, that much is obvious. At least to me it was based on the fact that my body allowed me to sleep for that long. Even when I stayed up for 48 hours straight on one of the trips from England (stayed up all night to try and make me sleep on the plane - it didn't work), I didn't sleep more than 10 hours. Now, I'm at the library studying for my test tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous about it because I really do not know what to expect. That said, I'll probably be here for another six or seven hours to get that figured out. I got here at noon (when it opened) and expect to be here until 10 or 11. Maybe later. They close at 2 on regular (non-finals week) Sundays. 

I promise to make a post or two about the awesome that was ACPA. I just figured a bit of a study break  was necessary as well as a longer post since ACPA kind of threw all that off. 

It's good to be back, I think :). 

The best laid plans...

Campus closed today at 1:30. Both tonight and tomorrow's performances of The Vagina Monologues were moved to next week. My reaction to this news is utterly mixed.

Next week - Sunday evening to be exact - I leave to go to Las Vegas for ACPA. I am thrilled about this. I had a really good meeting with Dr. Q. today. She's such a badass. Really. I want to be her best friend, know her entire life story, and geek out over the awesome research she does. I mean this in the most positive, least creepy way possible.

That said, because of the weather the show has been moved to the Tuesday and Wednesday of the week I'm going to be in Las Vegas. On a scale of important things in my life ACPA is significantly more important than performing in TVM. I would pick going and presenting over being in the show every time. This doesn't mean that I didn't put a lot of work and effort into memorizing, getting excited about the show, and planning a lot of things surrounding the show. It just means that I'm bummed. It would have been fun to put up on the stage for everyone to see.

Part of me thinks this is probably a really good thing though. I need to do some research for practicum with D. tomorrow. Now, I have some spare time to get on it. I'm not really in the mood to buckle down right this second though. Oh motivation, where have you gone? I think it's hiding. *sigh*

I am going to hit the researching at 4:30. I've got 45 minutes to find the illustrious motivation to work. That will work. Hopefully. :)

Snow day

Tomorrow we're supposed to get between 6 and 8 inches of snow dumped on us. I am utterly torn about this.

I hate snow. Ok, hate is a little strong, but I am extremely cold sensitive. I am ALWAYS cold. This summer over the 4th of July when it was in the high 90s and over 100 degrees, I had goosebumps all over my body sitting outside that evening when it was in the mid eighties. So snow is really intense and really cold for me.

That said, with that amount of snow we could get campus would possibly shut down. That would be amazing in terms of giving me time to work on all the things I need to get done. Then again, my mom came up from Houston specifically to see the Vagina Monologues. If campus is closed, we won't have the show tomorrow night. We will still perform Tuesday (as long as campus is open), but mom won't be there for that one. We also probably can't reschedule the Monday performance...

So, I'm torn. I suppose it's not a bad thing that I have absolutely no control over it. For once I think that's a good thing :).

Is that really what I see?

There may be a light at the end of the tunnel for the crazy busy ridiculous that has been my schedule.

Now, I may just feel that way because I stayed at my office until 11:30 last night to "finish" the prezi for ACPA. I'll be referencing Dr. Q and D. again in this post so if you're interested in understanding who I'm referencing and why it's a big deal for me, check out this post. So, I say "finish" with the quotes because Dr. Q. hasn't looked at it yet. She may totally hate it, which is def possible and kind of makes me want to throw up because I really want to wow her. D. offered to look at it before I email it over to Dr. Q. D. Is a bit of a prezi genius. If you don't know about prezi you should totally google it. If you don't have time for that, think way more awesome powerpoint. WAY MORE AWESOME.

I worked on it for a total of six hours yesterday on top of work and meetings and other commitments. I'm really proud of the work I put in. D. is a prezi whiz. I'm really thankful that she offered to look it over. I have to hope D. will like it, too. We've already covered that I think they're both awesome. 

Woosa. 

On another note that leads me to think there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, I started the laundry. I know that this may not seem like something worth celebrating, but I was in desperate need to get it done. With everything else going on in my life that has just been something I haven't had the time or the energy to deal with.  My mom is coming up this weekend to see The Vagina Monologues on Monday night. She hasn't done my laundry since I was 14. She offered to do it for me because of all the other stuff going on. I seriously almost had a mild freak out about it yesterday, but it's a-ok. It's started, I will keep it up, and it will be finished. Thank goodness. 

And now, I need to hit the books and run my monologue about 75 times. It's memorized, I just want to make it second nature. Soon it will be over, and just one more thing I've checked off the to-do list. That is something I find exceptionally gratifying. So, I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and trying to work through ... well, EVERYTHING. 

I'm the busiest I've ever been...

and that is really saying something.

Currently my life is crazy. Really crazy. It borders on spinning out of control almost all of the time, or at least it feels that way. I'm well versed in juggling commitments - school, work, my personal life. It's something I have spent a long time doing, and trying to find a way to do very well. I like to think I've gotten good at it. I also must admit that I enjoy juggling things. It keeps me busy and honest with myself about organizing my time.

I am driven to not only meet the minimum requirements, but to get the gold star. I'm a bit of a gold star kid. I find stickers extremely motivating. Remind me to tell the story of the sticker club one day :). Anyway, I want to do well at all of the things I possibly can.

This leads me to my point of being extremely busy these days. School has put a lot on my plate this semester. I've got busy classes with more work to do in them than what I've ever had before. Some of it is really great, other parts of it feel a little like busy work. Now, I will say that in the particular class that has a mass quantity of busy work, it is intentional. It's designed so that we have a ton of notes left over for use in studying for the comprehensive exam we have to take at the end of the degree. That doesn't make it any more enjoyable in trenches of said busy work....

Work is utterly exhausting. I am a grad assistant with the Center for Social Justice. I love it. It's a lot of event planning, organizing the different programs we run, working with students, and anything else I'm asked to take care of. All that said, we have several events coming up that are beginning to overwhelm me a tad. We're hosting a conference next week that I'm responsible for logistical execution for, a film screening the following week, The Vagina Monologues the week after (I'm also acting in the production which is great fun, but another level of things to juggle), I'll be co-moderating another event the week after that. Like I said, a lot.

And my personal life... Drew and I chat nightly. He wakes up at 4:30 in the morning in England (10:30pm in good ole Oklahoma) to talk me to sleep every night. This is one of the best parts of my day. He makes me really happy. He also understands me and some of my hangups better than I could have ever hoped for from a partner. We email on and off throughout the day, but getting to see his face and talk with him is the closest we get to crawling in bed together and cuddling. He's coming over for spring break :). I can't wait.

I don't feel like I have much time for a lot of socializing these days. It's kind of tough. I'm a very social person, but between school and work taking up SO much time and SO much energy, things feel rather out of balance in my personal life. Yes, I'm working out four times a week and I'm sure that counts as personal time, but I hate it. It's not actually something I enjoy or really want to do. I need to do it, so I do. I am motivated by the Color me Rad 5K, but as far as seeing it as pleasurable... Heck no.

So, I am going to keep breathing, keep working at this pace, and look forward to a break. It's coming. I can see it on the horizon. I just need to keep some faith and keep reminding myself that it will be ok. It always it.

WhenindoubtDDD, right? Right.