Broken

I'm in love with a man that I've just broken up with. That makes no sense, does it? No, it doesn't. 

He's the perfect man for me. He's kind, aware of my needs and utterly willing to meet them, so full of love and tenderness for me, encouraging, patient, honest. He's wonderful. 

But he lives 4500 miles away and I'm not strong enough to do distance any longer. He was willing to put everything in his life away for me. He planned to move all this way, just for me, and I told him I couldn't wait. 

I caved to the pressure I feel from everyone else to be able to explain our age difference, when the only explanation I have is that I love him. I'm in love with him.

I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've been looking at what it would mean if we eloped, so he could legally stay here, so we wouldn't have to wait... Even then, I have to have a full time job to prove (to the government) I can support us both until his  work status was changed. I don't have a full time job, I can't prove that I can bring him here. 

And it feels like I can't keep waiting. I am such a fool. I hurt everywhere. I deserve it for hurting my best friend, the man I love, like this. I don't deserve him and his love. That much is obvious. I'm an idiot, a fool, and I'm cruel. 

I am so broken.

Moore, Oklahoma

Yesterday I posted about the tornado that ripped through Shawnee. Oklahoma. What I didn't know, what I couldn't know, was that within a few hours another EF 4 or EF 5 tornado was going to hit Moore, Oklahoma and tear it apart.

For those of you, like the most of the world, that do not know the geography of Oklahoma, Moore is less than 10 miles from where I live in Norman. Yesterday's storm rocked the heartland. The devastation from the storm is shocking and violent. The needs of the community are so heavy.

But Oklahomans will rise to the occasion and prove why disaster relief  is judged by the "Oklahoma Standard". You mess with one of us, you're going to get all of us. It is no less true today than it was during the May 3rd, 1999 tornado that hit Moore, or the April 19th, 1995 bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Building.

It's tornado season in Oklahoma

This is the tornado that ripped through Shawnee, Oklahoma yesterday afternoon. Today is apt to bring storms of a similar degree this afternoon. Parts of Shawnee were destroyed.

Norman typically finds a way to make it through the storms unscathed. Some say it's American Indian lore, others explain that it's simply a factor tied to Norman sitting in a valley. Either way, we usually get lucky. The storm that hit Shawnee hit us first. I was hanging in the basement of one of the residence halls for a good chunk of time, but there were none that touched down here. There were several funnel clouds with lowering and all that scary Twister type stuff, but we came out ok.

That tornado from the picture was a half mile to a mile wide. That's not a hide in your interior closet or bathroom and be ok kind of storm. That's one of the you must underground to make it through if it hits you head on kind of storms.

Give me a hurricane over a tornado any time. I grew up in Houston, so I've had my share of experience with both. Hurricanes probably do more wide spread damage, but you've got a week of warning to hunker down or get the hell out. Tornados... You might know there's an escalated risk for bad storms, but you're lucky if you've got 14 minutes of lead time to get underground IF you've got an underground place to go. They're no joke. No joke.

Welcome to life as an Okie. Stay safe people. Stay safe.

Number three: I have the best "family"

Post three in my series:

I come from a small family. I have three first cousins. We, meaning my brother, sister, and I, are not close to those cousins for various reasons including the age gap, how far away we live from one another, and general differences in disposition that make us less inclined to make massive attempts to change any of this. That may seem rude, and it probably is. I'm just calling it like it like I see it. (It's a two way street, they could make an effort, but choose not to either. I am ok with this.)

That said, our "family" is the best. It mainly consists of the family friends that my are people my dad either grew up with, or went to college with. Their kids are the closest thing I've got to cousins. They are the best.  I consider myself lucky to hang out with this crowd. They're the cool kids and I lucked into calling friend. Any one of them would have my back if I needed it. 

These pictures come from Kelby's (another one of my "cousins") wedding this weekend. I don't have any with the bride but, these are just a few of the important people I adore. 

Me and Sam

Susan, my mom, and Sherri

As my dad refers to himself, "the dad"

Susan and Monty

Jacque, me, and Sam

Jacque, me, and Sam enjoying the post wedding festivities

We're so attractive.

Someone should have taken away the technology at this point :). 

I am a lucky and loved girl. I only hope that I show them how much I appreciate them.

numero dos

Welcome to post number two about the crazy that I can lovingly call the past few weeks. 

I do not doubt you wait on baited breath to read about how Color Me Rad 2013 went. I won't drag out the suspense any longer, this is the post you anticipated. 

I decided to do a 5k a few months back. Now, I do not like running. In fact, I detest it. This is why deciding to run a 5k was somewhat out of character. Ok, a lot out of character. This is how my day started: 

Yes, I'm super fly. All clean and shiney, I was ready to go. I spent the last several months training for Color Me Rad. My initial reaction to training was somewhat skin to my thoughts on slathering myself with sugar water and hanging out in the Houston bayous without mosquito spray. That said, it got a little better. 

Then I fell off the bandwagon a bit when the semester went crazy on me. Combined with the course being mainly gravel and potholed road, and the fact I had a wedding to attend later that evening, I did not attempt to run the whole thing. I wasn't ready. I did the 5k anyway and had a lot of fun. 

This picture is right before the race started after the preface zumba class.

This photo is just after I crossed the finished line. I ran about 20 minutes of the 5k in total over several different parts. 

I could be disappointed in myself for not running the whole thing, and if running was my gig, I might be. But running hurts and it takes so much effort for me. I am just proud of myself for getting out there by myself. I was my own motivation. 

It was worth it and I'm going to keep working at it. I'm worth the effort. 

first of a few

It's been a busy time in microcosm called graduate school. This semester consumed every bit of energy I held in reserve and a little more just for good measure. Lost somewhere between the good, the bad, and the ugly, I found a little bit of equilibrium.

I have pictures to prove it. This will be the first of a few posts summing up the past few months. 

Let's start with friends. This subject is both awesome and tough. I've made a few close friends at OU this time around. I've also spent a lot of time alone. Sometimes, it's just really hard. I've met some great friends that I've gotten to do really bomb things with. Kate is a perfect example. She's wonderful and we get along so very, very well.

We made these awesome ottomans from shipping palates. Yes, we're legit. 

Then, there have been other moments with people I would call friends that make me realize I'm just not a cool kid and probably won't ever be. I'm ok with being nerdy, passionate, and a know-it-all. I have to accept those parts of myself because I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. They've always been there.  I always considered myself a good friend, though. I am loyal, generous with my time, energy, and anything I can share, and I love to be my friends' biggest cheerleader. These are truths about me as a person. 

But, it hurts when a huge group of people I would have counted close friends from undergrad and some  people I've only come to know this year, but would consider friends, don't think to include me in some fun stuff they're doing. I wish I could say it's just a random oversight, but this is also a group of people I'd call the cool kids of undergrad. I was not a cool kid by any stretch, but I did work closely with many of this group so many times for different events. Some of them I even considered my closest friends from my bachelors'. I am learning that it wasn't necessarily a two way street. 

And that's really hard. I want to accept it and be thankful of the people I do have in my life. The ones that want me around as much as I want to hang around with them are the people who should matter. Still, when I realize that I'm not a cool kid and plenty of people don't think of me as someone to invite when they are the people I would think to invite, it makes my breath catch if it hits me in the right moment. Ouch. 

And all of this made me think. I'm grateful for the people who matter, and will work on reminding myself that not everyone needs to like me as long as I love myself. It's a process. I'm working on it.

BFFL

I've made a new best friend. Have you ever met someone and it just clicks? If you haven't - there is still time. Don't you worry. If you have, isn't it just so nice?

That's how it is with Kate. Kate and I met about a year ago on an interview for the same position. The vibes from everyone on that weekend were weird, so I didn't really try to make friends. I wasn't being rude or anything, but we were all interviewing for the same 6-10 jobs... It was bound to be a little awk. 

Kate and I really met about a month or so ago. I ADORE her. She's sunshine and glitter and laughs and  artsy and yes. We get along SO SO SO well. Perfect example: we were talking about pintrest and then spent the next three hours searching for shipping pallets to steal from dumpsters take off some store that was just going to throw them out to DIY on. We were massively successful. For the win. We're going to have so much fun crafting this summer. In all the ways I'm crafty, she is artistic. And it's going to have some BOMB results. Just you wait, blogosphere, just you wait. 

And we had almost this exact conversation yesterday spontaneously.

She's a rock star and I am lucky to have such a good friend here. We're also insanely alike in some big ways, and yet so different in others.

I seriously love her.

For all the time I spend with other people, I felt pretty lonely in the past semester or two... This has been just what I needed.