first of a few

It's been a busy time in microcosm called graduate school. This semester consumed every bit of energy I held in reserve and a little more just for good measure. Lost somewhere between the good, the bad, and the ugly, I found a little bit of equilibrium.

I have pictures to prove it. This will be the first of a few posts summing up the past few months. 

Let's start with friends. This subject is both awesome and tough. I've made a few close friends at OU this time around. I've also spent a lot of time alone. Sometimes, it's just really hard. I've met some great friends that I've gotten to do really bomb things with. Kate is a perfect example. She's wonderful and we get along so very, very well.

We made these awesome ottomans from shipping palates. Yes, we're legit. 

Then, there have been other moments with people I would call friends that make me realize I'm just not a cool kid and probably won't ever be. I'm ok with being nerdy, passionate, and a know-it-all. I have to accept those parts of myself because I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. They've always been there.  I always considered myself a good friend, though. I am loyal, generous with my time, energy, and anything I can share, and I love to be my friends' biggest cheerleader. These are truths about me as a person. 

But, it hurts when a huge group of people I would have counted close friends from undergrad and some  people I've only come to know this year, but would consider friends, don't think to include me in some fun stuff they're doing. I wish I could say it's just a random oversight, but this is also a group of people I'd call the cool kids of undergrad. I was not a cool kid by any stretch, but I did work closely with many of this group so many times for different events. Some of them I even considered my closest friends from my bachelors'. I am learning that it wasn't necessarily a two way street. 

And that's really hard. I want to accept it and be thankful of the people I do have in my life. The ones that want me around as much as I want to hang around with them are the people who should matter. Still, when I realize that I'm not a cool kid and plenty of people don't think of me as someone to invite when they are the people I would think to invite, it makes my breath catch if it hits me in the right moment. Ouch. 

And all of this made me think. I'm grateful for the people who matter, and will work on reminding myself that not everyone needs to like me as long as I love myself. It's a process. I'm working on it.

BFFL

I've made a new best friend. Have you ever met someone and it just clicks? If you haven't - there is still time. Don't you worry. If you have, isn't it just so nice?

That's how it is with Kate. Kate and I met about a year ago on an interview for the same position. The vibes from everyone on that weekend were weird, so I didn't really try to make friends. I wasn't being rude or anything, but we were all interviewing for the same 6-10 jobs... It was bound to be a little awk. 

Kate and I really met about a month or so ago. I ADORE her. She's sunshine and glitter and laughs and  artsy and yes. We get along SO SO SO well. Perfect example: we were talking about pintrest and then spent the next three hours searching for shipping pallets to steal from dumpsters take off some store that was just going to throw them out to DIY on. We were massively successful. For the win. We're going to have so much fun crafting this summer. In all the ways I'm crafty, she is artistic. And it's going to have some BOMB results. Just you wait, blogosphere, just you wait. 

And we had almost this exact conversation yesterday spontaneously.

She's a rock star and I am lucky to have such a good friend here. We're also insanely alike in some big ways, and yet so different in others.

I seriously love her.

For all the time I spend with other people, I felt pretty lonely in the past semester or two... This has been just what I needed. 

I wanted to be lazy today.

I really, REALLY wanted to be lazy today. I won't be.

This is the only reason I will hit my run this evening. 

bahahaha

I laughed so hard I almost cried.

Again, you're welcome.

Notice all the red?

Today, I am wearing red. Are you?

I believe, most sincerely, that everyone, ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE (with no exceptions) deserves the right to marry whom they wish regardless of sexuality or identity. Love is love is love is love. It is all equal.

Today, the issue of marriage equality goes before the Supreme Court. Today, I wear red to show my support of a cause that our children will look back at in awe and wonder why it was ever an issue for whether or not everyone was allowed to marry. Today, I want people to know exactly where I stand.

So, today I'm wearing red. Are you? 

today's personal to-do list:

I'm a big fan of to-do lists. I love being able to check something off the list. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, and allows me to make sure I leave nothing behind. I can keep track of myself and my progress this way.

This is today's list:

Tuesday, February 19th:

School:

1. Review practicum website materials 
2. Read and do reading response for Practicum
3. Read, do reading response, and do unit summary 3 for Adult Learner

Life:

1. Memorize Monologue
2. Work on Prezi for ACPA
3. Memorize Monologue
4. Meeting at Blu with Erin about ACPA
5. Memorize Monologue
6. Run

Affirmation:

1. Stop "whimping"out when running (yes, my notebook that I write all of this in really says whimping).
2. You are worth it. 
3. You can do it. 

Now, this should not be confused with my calendars (yes, that is intentionally plural) that has about 150 different other things that I need to remember or do for work, i.e., events, workshops, film screenings. This is my personal life to-do list for the day. 

All this in the name of organization, sanity, and motivation. I like to believe it's working... At least I keep telling myself that it is. 

So, why DDD?

I suppose answering the question is pretty simple, but requires a bit of back story.

I grew up going to summer camp. When I say that camp was and, depending on the day, still is my favorite place on the planet, I am not exaggerating, people. I was lucky enough to spend the month of July at camp. It will always be one of the most influential experiences in my life.

Every summer from the time I was 11 years old, I went away to camp for an entire month. Camp was my first love. If I thought it was remotely possible for my 25 year old self to return as a counselor (again) this summer, I would not even blink at the chance. I would dive at it. I would drive 1,000 miles and attempt to break the land speed record to make it. But, everyone has to grow up sooner or later, right?

Rachel, me and Christen July 2004

The above picture is just one of the many from my summers at camp. This picture is me at 16 with my tribe sponsors. If someone ever reads this post and really wants to know about the tribe thing, I promise to give you enough details you'll wish you never asked. For the sake of semi-brevity, I will say they were one of the camp team counselor leaders. We were the blue team. I am a Pawnee. The green team, which my little sister was sorted into, are the Shawnees. 

One of the best experiences of my life, by far, was participating in something called War Canoe. I was a Pawnee War Canoer (PWC). It is a tremendous honor to make war canoe. Every year girls over the age of 11 that weigh over 100 pounds try out for a maximum of 16 spots per tribe's war canoe. With 180 campers on camp, it's a big deal to be one of the few selected. 

Each boat holds ten girls. The others are alternates. It's an honor to be an alternate, its a massive deal to be in the boat. I was 13 the first summer I tried out not actually expecting to make it. Most people don't. The older campers are 14 - 16, and almost always take the majority of those slots. Any given year there aren't actually 16 spots open. If you've been on war canoe once before, you'll be in it again unless you do something crazy like quit. Don't get me started on that.... 

Where was I? Oh, 13 and trying out for the first time. My first time in the boat I fell out and nearly tumped the entire boat of 9 other people. I was pretty bad. I don't know what happened, but one of those sponsors (counselor tribe leader people - not the ones in the picture above) decided I might make a good war canoer some day. I made alternate at 13. I was beyond thrilled. I bawled when they told me I made the team. I was shocked, thrilled, so very excited, and scared to death. 

The following summer I was told that I would try out for stern with two other people. For people who don't know anything about boats, the stern is the back of the boat. The stern in war canoe calls strokes, steers, and is the leader. One of the girls I was to try out against was another 14 year old who was just about perfect in everything and the other was the current Chieftain (highest camper office) of our tribe. I  never dreamed I had a shot. Especially that summer. Lauren (the current Chieftain) was a shoe in. She was smart, talented, a leader, knew PWC in and out, and had been in the boat three years prior to that. Susan, the other 14 year old, had been in PWC since 12 (another crazy accomplishment) and was bow (another leader in War Canoe and is important because they are the front of the boat without a partner) her first year and on first bar her second. She was the natural second choice. I was a distant, nervous, and unabashedly hopeful third candidate. 

That was all until Bekah and Katie, the current sponsors, gave me the job. I hadn't been in the boat before, I'd definitely never lead a team like that, and suddenly, an entire group of girls was looking to me to lead our team to win our 14th straight race over the Shawnees. The three summers I had the honor of being Pawnee War Canoe's stern, were some of the best, most exciting, most nerve wracking, humbling, educational, and important experiences of my young life. 

Me, sterning summer 2002

PWC practice summer 2002

After the final race my last summer as a camper in 2004. We won. 

Part of me thinks I should say something about having outgrown the lessons war canoe taught me about being a leader, hard work, how to be a team player, and what it means to want something with every ounce of your body. I can't though. I think that much is obvious. 

So, like any good team, we had our mottos, our War Canoe secrets. The Shawnee War Canoers had theirs that were sacred. We had ours; the most important of which was DDD. 

Dedication. Determination. Desire. 

I am dedicated. I am determined. I have the desire. With those three things I can tackle any obstacle. I can fight any battle. I can keep going when everything around me feels like it's crumbling beneath me. Those three words became a life affirming mantra that I now have tattooed on my left shoulder. I'll have to have someone take a picture of it so you can see it... I really love it. 

When it came time to decide a blog title I didn't want something I'd have to change or reevaluate in a few months. Grad school won't last forever according to my father, and I'm not a mom, I'm not married, I don't cook amazing recipes everyday (though I do occascionally and will totally share the awesome with you)...

 DDD is one of the few things that has been a present, reassuring force in my life for over the last ten years. It was just right. When I am in doubt, dedication, determination, desire. DDD. Those three words calm me down, give me a center of gravity to focus on, and give me a place to start moving forward or to keep treading water. 

So, that's how this came to be whenindoubtDDD.blogspot.com

I'm starting another blog...

Hi, my name is Mallory (Hi, Mallory).

I am a perpetual starter and not follow through-er. Well, let me amend that statement. It really only applies to blogs, working out consistently, and taking pictures regularly. Otherwise, I'm pretty consistent on my general follow through. And by pretty consistent, I mean I am ferociously attentive to commitments and making sure I tick the boxes. I also have a tendency to quantify statements. For an example, please reread this paragraph.

So, I'm starting another blog. This one, I hope, will be a place that's less about a theme (like the blog I somewhat successfully tried to keep while living abroad to work on a master's degree that turned out to be utterly useless great for helping me get into another master's program that might actually be useful), and more of a place for me to "talk" through the things going on in my life that are great, frustrating, exciting, draining, and just there.

So, to introduce myself with a little bit more clarity than my first paragraph or two, Hi, my name is Mallory. I'm 25; currently living, working and going to school in Oklahoma; I grew up in Houston, Texas with a set of wonderful, once in a lifetime, friends (who I miss so fiercely it sometimes brings tears to my eyes) I did not fully appreciate until I hit 24; and I'm working my butt off to figure the rest of it out.

These are some things that I'm sure will come up as I write about my life, so I'll put this out there for reference. I'm thoughtful like that, you know.

• I'm training for a 5k in May. 
• I hate running, but I decided this would be a good idea. We'll see how that goes. Please reference the afore mentioned inconsistency with working out.
• I'm also not sure why this was the first thing on my list of things you should know... Yes, you'll hear about it, but is it a vitally important life thing for me? Hmmm, oh to ponder. 
• I'm in my first year of my second master's degree. You will hear all about how that came to be.
• I have a brilliant family who I love deeply. They're sometimes a tough bunch to please. I have always been well loved, but I sincerely believe that no one grows up without a few scars. 
• I especially adore my younger sister. She's kind of my idol. I'm pretty sure she doesn't actually know that, though I try to show her regularly. She really is a rock star, I want to be just like her when I grow up. 
• I'm dating someone significantly older than I am. Yes, he's met the family. No, I'm not sure they approve. 
• He also happens to live in England. Yeah, let me just tell you about long distance relationships...

AND

• I'm a girl filled to the brim with feelings. I have always felt everything stronger than I think most people do. When it's joy or passion or happiness or excitement, I will be the first to cheer you on, to congratulate you, or dive right in ready for an adventure. I'm tenderhearted, but fiercely passionate. When it's the tough stuff, this occasionally causes my eyes to leak (who am I kidding with that - I'm a total crier and have hated this part of myself for a long, long time). This is hard for me because I spent a large chunk of my childhood learning that my sensitivity and ability to feel what other people feel makes me weak. I am currently working to actively change my own mind about this. Being empathetic - sincerely feeling what those around me feel - with a particular sensitivity to disappointment toward me from others and myself, does not make me weak. It occasionally makes me cry, but never weak. Never that. 

My fingers are crossed, and with a little bit of luck, I'll stick this blog through. I hope you'll share in the smiles, tears, fun, and laughter. In the mean time, maybe we can just be friends.

In case I didn't introduce myself before... Hi, my name is Mallory. Nice to meet you.