Yes, that.

As much as I love class, and I do love my classes, summer school is still trying to kill me.

I have fifteen 500 word essays to write for Monday. Awesome. Not.

My eyeballs also feel like I went swimming in the ocean for ten hours while clothes pins hold my eyelids open. They hurt, a lot.

I need a nap, an extra week to do all the things, something to make me sleep, and some simple solutions to big problems that I can't fix.

Yes, that.

numero dos

Welcome to post number two about the crazy that I can lovingly call the past few weeks. 

I do not doubt you wait on baited breath to read about how Color Me Rad 2013 went. I won't drag out the suspense any longer, this is the post you anticipated. 

I decided to do a 5k a few months back. Now, I do not like running. In fact, I detest it. This is why deciding to run a 5k was somewhat out of character. Ok, a lot out of character. This is how my day started: 

Yes, I'm super fly. All clean and shiney, I was ready to go. I spent the last several months training for Color Me Rad. My initial reaction to training was somewhat skin to my thoughts on slathering myself with sugar water and hanging out in the Houston bayous without mosquito spray. That said, it got a little better. 

Then I fell off the bandwagon a bit when the semester went crazy on me. Combined with the course being mainly gravel and potholed road, and the fact I had a wedding to attend later that evening, I did not attempt to run the whole thing. I wasn't ready. I did the 5k anyway and had a lot of fun. 

This picture is right before the race started after the preface zumba class.

This photo is just after I crossed the finished line. I ran about 20 minutes of the 5k in total over several different parts. 

I could be disappointed in myself for not running the whole thing, and if running was my gig, I might be. But running hurts and it takes so much effort for me. I am just proud of myself for getting out there by myself. I was my own motivation. 

It was worth it and I'm going to keep working at it. I'm worth the effort. 

first of a few

It's been a busy time in microcosm called graduate school. This semester consumed every bit of energy I held in reserve and a little more just for good measure. Lost somewhere between the good, the bad, and the ugly, I found a little bit of equilibrium.

I have pictures to prove it. This will be the first of a few posts summing up the past few months. 

Let's start with friends. This subject is both awesome and tough. I've made a few close friends at OU this time around. I've also spent a lot of time alone. Sometimes, it's just really hard. I've met some great friends that I've gotten to do really bomb things with. Kate is a perfect example. She's wonderful and we get along so very, very well.

We made these awesome ottomans from shipping palates. Yes, we're legit. 

Then, there have been other moments with people I would call friends that make me realize I'm just not a cool kid and probably won't ever be. I'm ok with being nerdy, passionate, and a know-it-all. I have to accept those parts of myself because I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. They've always been there.  I always considered myself a good friend, though. I am loyal, generous with my time, energy, and anything I can share, and I love to be my friends' biggest cheerleader. These are truths about me as a person. 

But, it hurts when a huge group of people I would have counted close friends from undergrad and some  people I've only come to know this year, but would consider friends, don't think to include me in some fun stuff they're doing. I wish I could say it's just a random oversight, but this is also a group of people I'd call the cool kids of undergrad. I was not a cool kid by any stretch, but I did work closely with many of this group so many times for different events. Some of them I even considered my closest friends from my bachelors'. I am learning that it wasn't necessarily a two way street. 

And that's really hard. I want to accept it and be thankful of the people I do have in my life. The ones that want me around as much as I want to hang around with them are the people who should matter. Still, when I realize that I'm not a cool kid and plenty of people don't think of me as someone to invite when they are the people I would think to invite, it makes my breath catch if it hits me in the right moment. Ouch. 

And all of this made me think. I'm grateful for the people who matter, and will work on reminding myself that not everyone needs to like me as long as I love myself. It's a process. I'm working on it.

I wanted to be lazy today.

I really, REALLY wanted to be lazy today. I won't be.

This is the only reason I will hit my run this evening. 

Youch!

I'm at the gym cooling down on the recumbent bike as I type this post, and whoa. This last go at 3x4 (third of the week) run was capital ARE OH YOU GEE AYCH (rough). Holy cow.

I won't lie and say the first two were a breeze. They totally weren't. Not at all actually. This one was on a whole new level of hard. I was not expecting that. Set one was tougher than normal, but I managed. Set two I couldn't go to the full three minutes, and I was already going 0.2 slower than I normally work out. The third set I intentionally started slower to making it all the way through. I made it, but dang. I decided that because I didn't hit the full amount on set two I needed to add in a fourth set... Didn't hit three minutes on that one either.

Yikes.

Welp, guess this girl is planning to do a second week on the 3x4 rather than attempting to bump up. Good thing I've got a little time to do just that.

Dedication. Determination. Desire.

Yes, that. It's what I'll keep telling myself.

Today, I'm celebrating.

I recognize that many people will not see this as a massive accomplishment. I recognize that my ability to do this isn't really that impressive. That said, I ask you to celebrate with me on this one.

I survived the jump from 2 minute runs to 3 minutes!

If you're remotely in shape, have never weighed over 300 pounds, or are one of those totally irrational people that actually enjoys running, this is clearly not a big deal. I am not one of those people though. I'm working on getting in shape, I did weigh over 300 pounds, and I think running is a special form of torture, but I'm doing it.

My fancy-smancy running shoes that I really adore. They were so worth the money.

Today was the bump up from 2 minute run, 5 minute walk 3 times in a workout 3 times a week (though I've been trying to do it four times a work out, four times a week) to the 3 minute run, 4 minute walk 3 times a workout. I was really nervous about it. I know an extra minute doesn't seem like much. I know. But it was hard and a lot of work. Toward the end I needed to slow the run from a 5.2 mph to a 4.8 mph, but I don't care. I survived. 

It was an accomplishment and so I'm going to celebrate it as such :). 

So, why DDD?

I suppose answering the question is pretty simple, but requires a bit of back story.

I grew up going to summer camp. When I say that camp was and, depending on the day, still is my favorite place on the planet, I am not exaggerating, people. I was lucky enough to spend the month of July at camp. It will always be one of the most influential experiences in my life.

Every summer from the time I was 11 years old, I went away to camp for an entire month. Camp was my first love. If I thought it was remotely possible for my 25 year old self to return as a counselor (again) this summer, I would not even blink at the chance. I would dive at it. I would drive 1,000 miles and attempt to break the land speed record to make it. But, everyone has to grow up sooner or later, right?

Rachel, me and Christen July 2004

The above picture is just one of the many from my summers at camp. This picture is me at 16 with my tribe sponsors. If someone ever reads this post and really wants to know about the tribe thing, I promise to give you enough details you'll wish you never asked. For the sake of semi-brevity, I will say they were one of the camp team counselor leaders. We were the blue team. I am a Pawnee. The green team, which my little sister was sorted into, are the Shawnees. 

One of the best experiences of my life, by far, was participating in something called War Canoe. I was a Pawnee War Canoer (PWC). It is a tremendous honor to make war canoe. Every year girls over the age of 11 that weigh over 100 pounds try out for a maximum of 16 spots per tribe's war canoe. With 180 campers on camp, it's a big deal to be one of the few selected. 

Each boat holds ten girls. The others are alternates. It's an honor to be an alternate, its a massive deal to be in the boat. I was 13 the first summer I tried out not actually expecting to make it. Most people don't. The older campers are 14 - 16, and almost always take the majority of those slots. Any given year there aren't actually 16 spots open. If you've been on war canoe once before, you'll be in it again unless you do something crazy like quit. Don't get me started on that.... 

Where was I? Oh, 13 and trying out for the first time. My first time in the boat I fell out and nearly tumped the entire boat of 9 other people. I was pretty bad. I don't know what happened, but one of those sponsors (counselor tribe leader people - not the ones in the picture above) decided I might make a good war canoer some day. I made alternate at 13. I was beyond thrilled. I bawled when they told me I made the team. I was shocked, thrilled, so very excited, and scared to death. 

The following summer I was told that I would try out for stern with two other people. For people who don't know anything about boats, the stern is the back of the boat. The stern in war canoe calls strokes, steers, and is the leader. One of the girls I was to try out against was another 14 year old who was just about perfect in everything and the other was the current Chieftain (highest camper office) of our tribe. I  never dreamed I had a shot. Especially that summer. Lauren (the current Chieftain) was a shoe in. She was smart, talented, a leader, knew PWC in and out, and had been in the boat three years prior to that. Susan, the other 14 year old, had been in PWC since 12 (another crazy accomplishment) and was bow (another leader in War Canoe and is important because they are the front of the boat without a partner) her first year and on first bar her second. She was the natural second choice. I was a distant, nervous, and unabashedly hopeful third candidate. 

That was all until Bekah and Katie, the current sponsors, gave me the job. I hadn't been in the boat before, I'd definitely never lead a team like that, and suddenly, an entire group of girls was looking to me to lead our team to win our 14th straight race over the Shawnees. The three summers I had the honor of being Pawnee War Canoe's stern, were some of the best, most exciting, most nerve wracking, humbling, educational, and important experiences of my young life. 

Me, sterning summer 2002

PWC practice summer 2002

After the final race my last summer as a camper in 2004. We won. 

Part of me thinks I should say something about having outgrown the lessons war canoe taught me about being a leader, hard work, how to be a team player, and what it means to want something with every ounce of your body. I can't though. I think that much is obvious. 

So, like any good team, we had our mottos, our War Canoe secrets. The Shawnee War Canoers had theirs that were sacred. We had ours; the most important of which was DDD. 

Dedication. Determination. Desire. 

I am dedicated. I am determined. I have the desire. With those three things I can tackle any obstacle. I can fight any battle. I can keep going when everything around me feels like it's crumbling beneath me. Those three words became a life affirming mantra that I now have tattooed on my left shoulder. I'll have to have someone take a picture of it so you can see it... I really love it. 

When it came time to decide a blog title I didn't want something I'd have to change or reevaluate in a few months. Grad school won't last forever according to my father, and I'm not a mom, I'm not married, I don't cook amazing recipes everyday (though I do occascionally and will totally share the awesome with you)...

 DDD is one of the few things that has been a present, reassuring force in my life for over the last ten years. It was just right. When I am in doubt, dedication, determination, desire. DDD. Those three words calm me down, give me a center of gravity to focus on, and give me a place to start moving forward or to keep treading water. 

So, that's how this came to be whenindoubtDDD.blogspot.com