Saturday, May 25, 2013


I'm in love with a man that I've just broken up with. That makes no sense, does it? No, it doesn't. 

He's the perfect man for me. He's kind, aware of my needs and utterly willing to meet them, so full of love and tenderness for me, encouraging, patient, honest. He's wonderful. 

But he lives 4500 miles away and I'm not strong enough to do distance any longer. He was willing to put everything in his life away for me. He planned to move all this way, just for me, and I told him I couldn't wait. 

I caved to the pressure I feel from everyone else to be able to explain our age difference, when the only explanation I have is that I love him. I'm in love with him.

I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've been looking at what it would mean if we eloped, so he could legally stay here, so we wouldn't have to wait... Even then, I have to have a full time job to prove (to the government) I can support us both until his  work status was changed. I don't have a full time job, I can't prove that I can bring him here. 

And it feels like I can't keep waiting. I am such a fool. I hurt everywhere. I deserve it for hurting my best friend, the man I love, like this. I don't deserve him and his love. That much is obvious. I'm an idiot, a fool, and I'm cruel. 

I am so broken.


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