What a HUGE bummer

So, I'm in the library working on the fifteen 500 word essays I have due for Monday kill me now, people, when Dr. Q. walks up with several books for a journal article she's revising to say hello (if you don't remember or didn't see my posts about Dr. Q. from the past check out this and this). I'm thrilled to see her, as always, because she's such a flipping rock star and I totally want to be her best friend (in a sincere and non-creepy way). I so wish I could accurately convey how amazing she is to y'all. She's really that excellent. No joke.

Anyway, we start talking a little bit and she explains that she's excited to have received an awesome gig to serve as a visiting faculty member at the school where she earned her PhD, which is also one of the best programs for higher education in the country. It's going to be a year long, and she's leaving next week, etc. etc. 

Now, she grew up in that state and has a lot of family very, VERY nearby. That's a massive draw. She also was already set up to be taking a sabbatical this fall semester to work on some really ground breaking research in an area that she is so clearly excited about, it's amazing. But, as she explains about all the awesome she's got going on, I begin to realize that she will not be here in the spring of 2014 if this position is for the next academic year. 

I was already bummed that I wouldn't be able to take a class with her this fall because of the sabbatical, but now she won't be back at OU before I graduate. I don't get to take another class with her at all, as I'm set to graduate in the Spring of 2014. I wish I was kidding when I say I am so sad that I want to cry about it. But, I am so not joking. I totally want to cry about this. 

I could blame the irrational emotion over a college professor on the upper respiratory infection I've got right now, but I'm pretty sure that cannot account for all the other times I've been an awkward crier in my life, so I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that I am really lucky to have had an opportunity to learn from some of the greatest educators in this program, and I'm bummed that I won't have a chance to take another one with the best of bunch. 

Damn. 

Yes, that.

As much as I love class, and I do love my classes, summer school is still trying to kill me.

I have fifteen 500 word essays to write for Monday. Awesome. Not.

My eyeballs also feel like I went swimming in the ocean for ten hours while clothes pins hold my eyelids open. They hurt, a lot.

I need a nap, an extra week to do all the things, something to make me sleep, and some simple solutions to big problems that I can't fix.

Yes, that.

This and that and whoa, a lot.

Summer school might be the death of me. There was a mistake online and I thought my course was spread out over the next few weekends. WRONG. It's the next two weeks Monday-Friday 1-5pm everyday.

This means I'm working from 8-noon, summer school from 1-5, meetings and events following, and then around 100 pages of reading every night plus assignments on top of that. I am a lot luckier than some - I'm not working full time. I do feel rather overwhelmed though.

I've lost five pounds in the last four days though. Hurrah! I'd like to keep that trend going.

I also have Alex's wedding this weekend. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm so looking forward to celebrating with her and Jeff. She's going to make a STUNNING bride. There is no doubt of that. It's just getting out of this head space that I'm in right now to fully enjoy the celebration. I think Friday morning mains and pedis with the bride and other bridesmaids will be just the trick.

start.rant//Norman does not have anywhere I can find a pair of black, satin, peep toe, pumps. Um, WHAT?!? It's not like I'm looking for 6 inch hot pink and electric blue metal studded wedges in size 13. I'm looking for a wardrobe staple shoe to wear with my dress and can't find a pair. I suppose I deserve it for waiting so long to look for a pair. I'm just super strapped for time and need to make an OKC trip at some point. Ain't nobody got time for that.//end.rant

Anyone else have fun plans for the weekend?

numero dos

Welcome to post number two about the crazy that I can lovingly call the past few weeks. 

I do not doubt you wait on baited breath to read about how Color Me Rad 2013 went. I won't drag out the suspense any longer, this is the post you anticipated. 

I decided to do a 5k a few months back. Now, I do not like running. In fact, I detest it. This is why deciding to run a 5k was somewhat out of character. Ok, a lot out of character. This is how my day started: 

Yes, I'm super fly. All clean and shiney, I was ready to go. I spent the last several months training for Color Me Rad. My initial reaction to training was somewhat skin to my thoughts on slathering myself with sugar water and hanging out in the Houston bayous without mosquito spray. That said, it got a little better. 

Then I fell off the bandwagon a bit when the semester went crazy on me. Combined with the course being mainly gravel and potholed road, and the fact I had a wedding to attend later that evening, I did not attempt to run the whole thing. I wasn't ready. I did the 5k anyway and had a lot of fun. 

This picture is right before the race started after the preface zumba class.

This photo is just after I crossed the finished line. I ran about 20 minutes of the 5k in total over several different parts. 

I could be disappointed in myself for not running the whole thing, and if running was my gig, I might be. But running hurts and it takes so much effort for me. I am just proud of myself for getting out there by myself. I was my own motivation. 

It was worth it and I'm going to keep working at it. I'm worth the effort. 

first of a few

It's been a busy time in microcosm called graduate school. This semester consumed every bit of energy I held in reserve and a little more just for good measure. Lost somewhere between the good, the bad, and the ugly, I found a little bit of equilibrium.

I have pictures to prove it. This will be the first of a few posts summing up the past few months. 

Let's start with friends. This subject is both awesome and tough. I've made a few close friends at OU this time around. I've also spent a lot of time alone. Sometimes, it's just really hard. I've met some great friends that I've gotten to do really bomb things with. Kate is a perfect example. She's wonderful and we get along so very, very well.

We made these awesome ottomans from shipping palates. Yes, we're legit. 

Then, there have been other moments with people I would call friends that make me realize I'm just not a cool kid and probably won't ever be. I'm ok with being nerdy, passionate, and a know-it-all. I have to accept those parts of myself because I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. They've always been there.  I always considered myself a good friend, though. I am loyal, generous with my time, energy, and anything I can share, and I love to be my friends' biggest cheerleader. These are truths about me as a person. 

But, it hurts when a huge group of people I would have counted close friends from undergrad and some  people I've only come to know this year, but would consider friends, don't think to include me in some fun stuff they're doing. I wish I could say it's just a random oversight, but this is also a group of people I'd call the cool kids of undergrad. I was not a cool kid by any stretch, but I did work closely with many of this group so many times for different events. Some of them I even considered my closest friends from my bachelors'. I am learning that it wasn't necessarily a two way street. 

And that's really hard. I want to accept it and be thankful of the people I do have in my life. The ones that want me around as much as I want to hang around with them are the people who should matter. Still, when I realize that I'm not a cool kid and plenty of people don't think of me as someone to invite when they are the people I would think to invite, it makes my breath catch if it hits me in the right moment. Ouch. 

And all of this made me think. I'm grateful for the people who matter, and will work on reminding myself that not everyone needs to like me as long as I love myself. It's a process. I'm working on it.

thoughts for the day.

So, my dad went to therapy with me. I have a lot of feelings about this that I'm not overly ready to get into, but it has given me a lot to think about. I also want to preface all of this with a few things.

1. I am exceptionally loved. This is not something I doubt and it is not something I have ever questioned. 
2. I have never gone without anything I needed. 
3. My father's care for me and my needs is so amazingly apparent in his willingness to fly 500 miles to go to therapy with me even though he is not a fan of therapy at all. 

One of the things that my therapist made mention of was how it's clear that I run the conversations Dad and I have had in real life, or the way I think they would go if we were talking about X subject, whatever X subject is, in my head over and over. Because I know his responses so well, and sincerely, I do know his responses and how they make me feel so well, it is exhausting.

I expend the emotions and mental worry over these conversations I hold in my head when I rehearse them which makes me not want to repeat the conversation in person for the exact same outcome and the additional burden of the actual experience as opposed to just the expectation of the awfulness of it all. Though my internal perception of what will come is typically spot on, it's worse in some ways because it's not actually my parents saying those words (until they do), but rather me telling myself the same things they would. It's a double whammy after it's come from me a few dozen times followed by the actual conversation with them.

So, I avoid bringing things up entirely and have become very good at just telling my parents the stuff they need to know on a need to know basis. They feel very cut out of the loop by this. I get that. It's my fault and a deserved criticism. I have done it as a way to protect myself from the weight and shame of being utterly disappointing. I also try to present everything as a complete and neat package so that I'm ready to field the upset and angry questions with all of the answers.

I'm too organized and too scared go in without every angle set, but that's what they don't like.

It's hard to know what to do about it. Really hard. But, I'm thinking about it and trying to figure something out.

I wanted to be lazy today.

I really, REALLY wanted to be lazy today. I won't be.

This is the only reason I will hit my run this evening. 

sometimes things are simple

I'm currently working on my Greenbelt project for the Lean/Six Sigma class I took a few weekends ago. 

"Six Sigma seeks to improve the quality of process outputs by identifying and removing the causes of defects (errors) and minimizing variability in manufacturing and business processes.^[5] It uses a set of quality management methods, including statistical methods, and creates a special infrastructure of people within the organization ("Champions", "Black Belts", "Green Belts", "Orange Belts", etc.) who are experts in these very complex methods.^[5] Each Six Sigma project carried out within an organization follows a defined sequence of steps and has quantified financial targets (cost reduction and/or profit increase).<sup>[5]" (Wikipedia)

"</sup>Lean manufacturing, lean enterprise, or lean production, often simply, "Lean," is a production practice that considers the expenditure of resources for any goal other than the creation of value for the end customer to be wasteful, and thus a target for elimination. Working from the perspective of the customer who consumes a product or service, "value" is defined as any action or process that a customer would be willing to pay for." (wikipedia)

So, it's really thrilling stuff that is going to be *extremely* valuable for my career in Higher Education (please tell me you recognized the sarcasm).  

My dad said I should do it, so I'm doing it. Gotta love being an overachieving, people pleaser. It's been fine, but more more work to add to an already exhausting semester. 

Occasionally though, things are simple. I was able to download a report that had already analyzed the survey results from the customer satisfaction survey we did. Thank goodness for that. Holy moly. 

relaxing

Today has been so nice in a totally lazy way. Holy cow, I feel like I needed it. I slept in, caught up on some stuff saved on my DVR. Then I hit the gym and grocery store. I grabbed BBQ to go for lunch, came home, hit the shower, and then I took a glorious nap.

Goodness gracious, it was excellent.

I also think I'm going through withdrawals from having Drew around. I miss him. It's nice being in the same place. That much would seem really obvious, and it is. I think what we have is worth it, but some days, like just after he's headed back to England, it's hard.

That picture is us at the dueling piano bar in Bricktown. It wasn't as good as the ones I've been to in NOLA, Austin, or Houston, but it was fun. A lot of fun. We enjoy the dueling piano bar thing so very much. It just makes me happy. 

Drew also has a hard time looking at the iPhone camera. haha. Oh the number of photos I have where he's staring off into space. 

need to get at it

Between ACPA and Drew being in town the running has fallen away a lot more than I wanted it to. This week has also been moving at about 500 miles a minute. At least it seems that way. It's just been a lot.

I did the bump up to a 5 minute run for the first time earlier this week. It was surprisingly easy for the first five minutes. I am going a lot slower than I initially was, but it's progress still. I am hoping that once I've got the distance down I can increase my speed slowly but surely as it gets easier. That's the natural progression, right?

I also am thinking about switching to running on the track every now and then. Out on the course I won't have the clock in front of me or the track of the treadmill propelling my feet behind me. I should prepare for that. The Huff, the on campus gym, has an indoor track. Maybe it's time to start transitioning to that? Oh magical interwebs, do you have an answer for me?

And I need a nap. Anyone want to work another couple of hours for me?

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? 

Normally, I'm off at 12:30 (so, right now), but one of my coworkers had a baby last night. While that's excellent, I've picked up extra hours everyday to make up for her absence. This is good because I'll get more money, but more tiring for me too. Oh, tradeoffs.

Also, anyone want to hang out this weekend? I have no plans and would like some. Any takers?

Notice all the red?

Today, I am wearing red. Are you?

I believe, most sincerely, that everyone, ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE (with no exceptions) deserves the right to marry whom they wish regardless of sexuality or identity. Love is love is love is love. It is all equal.

Today, the issue of marriage equality goes before the Supreme Court. Today, I wear red to show my support of a cause that our children will look back at in awe and wonder why it was ever an issue for whether or not everyone was allowed to marry. Today, I want people to know exactly where I stand.

So, today I'm wearing red. Are you? 

thumbs up

I hit the 230s. I didn't hit 230, but the first two numbers of my current weight are 2 and 3, in that order. I know that for a lot of people out there, you might be thinking, "Dang, that's something blog worthy?", but, for me, this is absolutely blog worthy. I'm a girl who definitely hit a whopping 302 towards the end of my senior year of college. I'm not busting out the happy dance at the 230s, but I am going to give myself a thumbs up and a nod.

or I'll let Taylor give me a thumbs up and a nodd. whatever. 

Random thought: why do we call it thumbs up even if it's only one thumb. That gif isn't TSwift giving me a thumb (singular) up - even though she totally is. 

Ok, back to why I'm posting, this is cool. I had a really long plateau, think 8 weeks long, of being in the 240s. I started running and still was not losing ANY weight... what the heck? I couldn't tell ya.

Regardless, I don't remember the last time I weighed in the 230s and this is coming off of Vegas and rich food, people. It could have been the end of high school... maybe? When you spend a lot of time feeling ashamed of your weight, and believe me, I totally have spent a TON of time being ashamed, you try to avoid the scale like it will give you leprosy forget the numbers on the scale ASAP. It doesn't feel good to look at a number that society tells you that you should be ashamed of, and I think that's probably putting it lightly when I'm totally honest. 

So, when I stepped on the scale this morning before work, saw 239.4; I did a double take, and smiled when the number stuck. It's not perfect, skinny, or even remotely in the normal/healthy range by any means, but it's a process. I'm taking steps to be where I'd like to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. And I get to give myself a thumbs up for that. 

High five to all the other ladies who have been here, who have struggled, and made it through. And to all the other chicas who are stuck, want to change, but are overwhelmed at where to begin or how daunting a task it seems to be, I feel you. I know where you are. You aren't invisible. I support your choice to stay exactly as you are or to make changes. You get to decide, and I support you either way. 

exhausted much?

So, I slept for 18 hours yesterday. Um, what? 

Apparently, Vegas, all the excitement of ACPA, coming home to finish my Greenbelt class (not the project - that's just starting), knowing I have an exam to cram for on Monday, and everything else going on since the start of February sent my body into crash mode.

I don't think I've ever slept so long in my entire life. My mother would be ashamed. She used to tell us naps meant we were being lazy. I have worked hard to rewire that notion. Sometimes, they are just necessary and that's ok.

After my greenbelt (LEAN/Six Sigma) class in the morning and lunch/work time with my group to get the project rolling, I went home for what I intended to be a brief nap followed by time at the library to study for my Adult Learner test. That was about 2:30. I woke up at 8:30, looked at the clock and said, "Nope, no studying today." I used the restroom, crawled back into bed and went back to sleep. I woke up again around 1:30 for another bathroom break, then I went back to bed until about 7:30 this morning.

I was tired. 

And for the first time in weeks, I woke up totally rested rather than dragging as if I hadn't slept. 

It was glorious and necessary, that much is obvious. At least to me it was based on the fact that my body allowed me to sleep for that long. Even when I stayed up for 48 hours straight on one of the trips from England (stayed up all night to try and make me sleep on the plane - it didn't work), I didn't sleep more than 10 hours. Now, I'm at the library studying for my test tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous about it because I really do not know what to expect. That said, I'll probably be here for another six or seven hours to get that figured out. I got here at noon (when it opened) and expect to be here until 10 or 11. Maybe later. They close at 2 on regular (non-finals week) Sundays. 

I promise to make a post or two about the awesome that was ACPA. I just figured a bit of a study break  was necessary as well as a longer post since ACPA kind of threw all that off. 

It's good to be back, I think :). 

Presentation time!

Ahhhh! We definitely present in 30 minutes... I'm so excited and beyond nervous. It's going to be good, I have no doubt of that. Dr. Q. Would never let any of her students fall flat in their faces, and I've rehearsed several times, so I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

Eek! Short post today, but I'll do a couple of long posts when ACPA is over and I've got more time.

PS. It's AWESOME.

the bump up

The past two weeks have been rough on the 5k training. Part of this is because of how beyond busy I've been in the past two weeks. I have had so little time to think straight, much less hit the gym. Every spare moment of my time has been spent working on some project, reading for some class, taking care of another thing on the list. Running had to take a bit of a back burner.

Two weeks ago I bumped up to the 3 minutes on 4 minutes off. The first two workouts were great. I hit the full three minutes, no big deal. The third workout was awful. I struggled to get through it. I decided that I should do 3 x 4 again last week since I had such a rough time at the end of the week. Last week I was only able to get in two workouts because of the crazy schedule. It still wasn't easy. That's for dang sure.

This week was the bump up to 4x3. I definitely considered staying on 3x4, but that seemed weak. I don't want to whimp out on myself. That is really important to me, actually. I don't need another week of 3x4, I need to get my head on straight and my butt in gear.

The bump up made me nervous for a couple of reasons. The first is that this week follows two weeks of mediocre success. I have struggled at three minutes. That reasons that four minutes won't be any better, and quite a bit more of a struggle. The second reason is that this is the first week that the time running outnumbers the time walking.

It was tough. I didn't end up wholly successful. I also had to run significantly slower than I started out, but I can do four minutes. I didn't know if I could. For the real world, that may not be overly concerning, but it scared the tar out of me. I have a TON of room for improvement, I couldn't do four minutes on, three off, but I can do four minutes and I know if I get my head right, I can do this. So, I need to slow it down, get my head on straight, have a little faith, and have a lot of dedication, determination, and desire.

Today, I'm celebrating.

I recognize that many people will not see this as a massive accomplishment. I recognize that my ability to do this isn't really that impressive. That said, I ask you to celebrate with me on this one.

I survived the jump from 2 minute runs to 3 minutes!

If you're remotely in shape, have never weighed over 300 pounds, or are one of those totally irrational people that actually enjoys running, this is clearly not a big deal. I am not one of those people though. I'm working on getting in shape, I did weigh over 300 pounds, and I think running is a special form of torture, but I'm doing it.

My fancy-smancy running shoes that I really adore. They were so worth the money.

Today was the bump up from 2 minute run, 5 minute walk 3 times in a workout 3 times a week (though I've been trying to do it four times a work out, four times a week) to the 3 minute run, 4 minute walk 3 times a workout. I was really nervous about it. I know an extra minute doesn't seem like much. I know. But it was hard and a lot of work. Toward the end I needed to slow the run from a 5.2 mph to a 4.8 mph, but I don't care. I survived. 

It was an accomplishment and so I'm going to celebrate it as such :).