What a HUGE bummer

So, I'm in the library working on the fifteen 500 word essays I have due for Monday kill me now, people, when Dr. Q. walks up with several books for a journal article she's revising to say hello (if you don't remember or didn't see my posts about Dr. Q. from the past check out this and this). I'm thrilled to see her, as always, because she's such a flipping rock star and I totally want to be her best friend (in a sincere and non-creepy way). I so wish I could accurately convey how amazing she is to y'all. She's really that excellent. No joke.

Anyway, we start talking a little bit and she explains that she's excited to have received an awesome gig to serve as a visiting faculty member at the school where she earned her PhD, which is also one of the best programs for higher education in the country. It's going to be a year long, and she's leaving next week, etc. etc. 

Now, she grew up in that state and has a lot of family very, VERY nearby. That's a massive draw. She also was already set up to be taking a sabbatical this fall semester to work on some really ground breaking research in an area that she is so clearly excited about, it's amazing. But, as she explains about all the awesome she's got going on, I begin to realize that she will not be here in the spring of 2014 if this position is for the next academic year. 

I was already bummed that I wouldn't be able to take a class with her this fall because of the sabbatical, but now she won't be back at OU before I graduate. I don't get to take another class with her at all, as I'm set to graduate in the Spring of 2014. I wish I was kidding when I say I am so sad that I want to cry about it. But, I am so not joking. I totally want to cry about this. 

I could blame the irrational emotion over a college professor on the upper respiratory infection I've got right now, but I'm pretty sure that cannot account for all the other times I've been an awkward crier in my life, so I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that I am really lucky to have had an opportunity to learn from some of the greatest educators in this program, and I'm bummed that I won't have a chance to take another one with the best of bunch. 

Damn. 

This and that and whoa, a lot.

Summer school might be the death of me. There was a mistake online and I thought my course was spread out over the next few weekends. WRONG. It's the next two weeks Monday-Friday 1-5pm everyday.

This means I'm working from 8-noon, summer school from 1-5, meetings and events following, and then around 100 pages of reading every night plus assignments on top of that. I am a lot luckier than some - I'm not working full time. I do feel rather overwhelmed though.

I've lost five pounds in the last four days though. Hurrah! I'd like to keep that trend going.

I also have Alex's wedding this weekend. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm so looking forward to celebrating with her and Jeff. She's going to make a STUNNING bride. There is no doubt of that. It's just getting out of this head space that I'm in right now to fully enjoy the celebration. I think Friday morning mains and pedis with the bride and other bridesmaids will be just the trick.

start.rant//Norman does not have anywhere I can find a pair of black, satin, peep toe, pumps. Um, WHAT?!? It's not like I'm looking for 6 inch hot pink and electric blue metal studded wedges in size 13. I'm looking for a wardrobe staple shoe to wear with my dress and can't find a pair. I suppose I deserve it for waiting so long to look for a pair. I'm just super strapped for time and need to make an OKC trip at some point. Ain't nobody got time for that.//end.rant

Anyone else have fun plans for the weekend?

need to get at it

Between ACPA and Drew being in town the running has fallen away a lot more than I wanted it to. This week has also been moving at about 500 miles a minute. At least it seems that way. It's just been a lot.

I did the bump up to a 5 minute run for the first time earlier this week. It was surprisingly easy for the first five minutes. I am going a lot slower than I initially was, but it's progress still. I am hoping that once I've got the distance down I can increase my speed slowly but surely as it gets easier. That's the natural progression, right?

I also am thinking about switching to running on the track every now and then. Out on the course I won't have the clock in front of me or the track of the treadmill propelling my feet behind me. I should prepare for that. The Huff, the on campus gym, has an indoor track. Maybe it's time to start transitioning to that? Oh magical interwebs, do you have an answer for me?

And I need a nap. Anyone want to work another couple of hours for me?

Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? 

Normally, I'm off at 12:30 (so, right now), but one of my coworkers had a baby last night. While that's excellent, I've picked up extra hours everyday to make up for her absence. This is good because I'll get more money, but more tiring for me too. Oh, tradeoffs.

Also, anyone want to hang out this weekend? I have no plans and would like some. Any takers?

productivity

I'm being uber productive right now. Not.

We're watching a film in class, and I'm writing this post. I don't typically do this...at least not in this master's program. I enjoy my classes. Massively. I think I'm lucky in that respect. I find them relevant, engaging, important. They mean a lot to me. What I am learning means a lot to me. The students I want to work with mean a lot to me.

I'm trying to figure out where I am headed in the long run and even still, a year from now. I have an extreme dislike for ambiguity and the unknown. I like having a plan and sticking to the plan. I don't always have to stay with the plan if something else comes up, but I am a fan of a good list, setting goals, making a plan and using it.

I can be a bit of a control freak. 

I know, shocking. I'm working on it.

As a back up to changing my entire personality, I'm working on a plan. Where am I applying for jobs? I graduate in May of next year. I want to work at OU so badly. I also recognize that I am coming from a really cool program where a big chunk of the people in the program would also like to work here full time. Reason stands that it's just not a possibility for all of the recent grads from OU to work at OU. So, I need to look beyond the beauty of Norman and my beloved Crimson and Cream. Dang thinking like a grown up. 

I also need to figure out if I am going to pursue a PhD at some point. I've already taken the GRE. Twice. I scored pretty well both times (better the second). Those scores "last" for 5 years. I took it fall of 2011, so I have until fall of 2016 to use those scores without needing to retake it. I have no desire to retake that test. It's gross. This is keeping in mind that I don't finish this program until May of 2014. I plan to work for a year or two before doing the application process over again. Otherwise my dad may disown me, or at least threaten to. 

So, I've got a bit of a time line to when I apply if I decide that's what I want. In that, I also need to figure out what I want to research (because that's what you do in a PhD) and what program I want to apply to. Maybe I apply to multiple programs at different schools in different areas. Do I pursue a doctorate in higher education and student affairs like I'm currently studying and love? Do I look into trying for a PhD in counseling psychology? Do I dare try again for the clinical psychology PhD? I mean, I've only already applied twice to those programs with no success. I don't know. I don't have an answer. 

But, that's the problem with my desire to have it all planned out, isn't it? Yes, it probably is. 

a not so small life problem

Ever have one of those days where the things that happen are clearly hilarious as long as it's not happening to you? Yeah, me too. 

So, I have, um, a rather large chest. I've been busty since I was 15 or so. They magically appeared. This was something of a surprise to me. My mom is not chesty in the slightest. Far from it. She's actually very petite on her upper body in general. She is your classic pear shape. I understand that your chest size is supposedly tied to your dad's mom's chest. I have not stared down either of my grandmothers' chests and have no intention of changing that any time soon. I just know that I have more than enough love to go around in that department. 

Considering that I'm still significantly over weight, this isn't a surprising fact. I look pretty proportionate in regular clothes. If I wear anything remotely low cut, I look RIDICULOUS. I'm talking boobs for days, people. I wore square necked shirt on my 24th birthday to go out with friends to celebrate. My mom told me I looked that a tramp right before I left the house in front of a few of my friends. It was encouraging, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's also the first time my parents have ever referred to me as anything remotely like that considering I dress pretty modestly in general. This is also funny because my mom was a total sorostitute and my dad a fratdaddy. My sister isn't overly modest, and they certainly have NO issues with that. I just don't often show them off. It can be a lot. 

I have to be careful when taking pictures because otherwise all you see is my massive chest. 

These are two examples of what I'm talking about...

This has been part of my life for ten years, so it's nothing new or surprising. Things hit an all-time level of WTF in the past few weeks though while performing a certain activity - you guessed it, running. Now, good bras are an absolute where I am concerned. There is no avoiding the necessity and sports bras are no exception. I'm ok with that. I also anticipate some movement when working out. Unless I'm holding on to them, I can't help it.   I have consistently had no issues on the elliptical with these sports bras. So, I wasn't concerned when I bumped up to running on the treadmill. Epic Fail.

Apparently, my older sports bras were just worn out because I came ALL THE WAY out of the top of a couple of them. As in, out of the neckline of my sports bra, moving up and down with a higher vertical jump than I have in real life, almost hit me on the chin while I was running at the gym, all the way out of my sports bra. This has happened three times with three different bras of varying ages. 

You may be wondering how it's humanly possible not to notice your boobs coming out the top of your bra... I didn't feel the bra sliding down or anything. I don't know why, but I just didn't.  I did, however, noticed more movement that norman and looked down. That's when I almost was hit in the face. I realized what happened at that point, but I was mid run, so I didn't think I could do anything about it without slowing to a walk. I tucked my arms against my chest, finished out my last 30 seconds, slowed to my walk and then tried to inconspicuously pull my bra back in place (the gym was packed and I felt sooooo awkward). 

I then texted my mom and sister, laughed at myself and my awkward boobs, and then finished my workout with at least one arm trying to keep them somewhat still. Hah. What can I say, such is life. I suppose that I should just keep a smile on my face and be excited about the brand new sports bras I got to go buy :). 

Can anyone else relate? Anyone else have an equally awkward moment? 

the pen thief

I'm the type of girl that feels very self-sconscious about somewhat strange things. I have all the normal insecurities, too. Don't doubt that (haha), but I always worry when someone wants to look through my iTunes folder, the music on my phone, or my pandora playlists. I have always felt that you can tell A LOT about a person based on the music they listen to. I've always had a fear that people will judge me for not listening to the "right" music.

I was involved with a group on campus my junior year of college that brought a bunch of campus leaders together once a month. We did retreats and other fun stuff, as well as support each others' events. One of the things we did was a mixed CD exchange. We had a month's notice to bring this mix CD. I literally spent an entire month coming up with the playlist of 18 songs. I listened to them in order over and over to make sure they flowed, that the mix was fun, that it wouldn't be something someone could judge me negatively over. I also put a ton of music I LOVED on there. It wasn't just a party mix. It was a little piece of me in that plastic case. I wanted the person who got it to like it, to think it was a fun mix, to be excited about the surprise of it all. I was thrilled to get the mix I got. It was awesome and full of music I didn't have before the exchange. It was legit. I made a point of communicating that to the person who's CD I got.

The night of the CD exchange I was so nervous. The one person in the entire group I hoped would not get my mix ended up with it. She was actually a sorority sister of mine. At the time of all of this, she lived three doors down from my bedroom in the house. I knew from the minute she introduced herself to me during my freshman year by yelling at a new member (me - I'd pledged to join the house all of three days prior to this incident) for ten minutes about something I had no way of knowing about, she wasn't a person I wanted to be close to. For non-greek people, you shouldn't yell at new members, or anyone really, but especially the new girls... It's a good way to make them not want to join. It's also something we are taught from the very first moment after you are initiated. Treat the new members like angels because we love them, want them, and want to show them how much they have to look forward to. Epic face plant fail on her part with that move. She then continued to prove that she was not a very nice person. She had plenty of friends, so I'm sure she is perfectly nice to them otherwise they wouldn't be keen on friendship with her, but it just happens that the nice side of her personality was not what she chose to show me on the regular.

Her loss. 

Oh, where was I? Yes, the strange self-conscious things. So, I worry about how people will judge me based on my handwriting. I am always impressed with people's scrawls. I have handwriting envy. This is true of me since I was a kid. I have found there is a particular point width of pen that I like my handwriting in, so I got a lot of them. I use them more than any other pens I have because of this. Well, not really like the way I write, but with these I am less likely to think that my writing is gross and shame worthy. Hence, the pen importance. 

Then they started diappearing. I could not find them. They were mainly missing from my office. Clearly, someone stole them. Clearly. I had the one I kept in my backpack of this style and the one in my purse. The other five should be in my desk drawer. Dang pen knapper. 

Until I decided to clean out the "pen compartment" of my backpack, that is. I found all of the missing pens. So, I admit it. I stole the pens from my own desk at work and took them with me. I confess. I am grateful that I didn't voice my pen thief theory to anyone but my inner self. That would be embarrassing. I will also say I didn't realize I was stealing my own pens. I think that much is clear from this post, but it is no excuse. 

Except maybe an excuse to buy more school supplies. I love school supplies... they make me so happy. Just ask my mom or sister. You only think I'm kidding about that.

So, what should my self-imposed punishment be, oh wise internet and blog followers totaling two awesome and lovely people?