Saturday, July 20, 2013

Harry Potter

I'm watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets.  The accents are wonderful. They remind me of the time I spent in England. I miss hearing the accent all the time. It was one part of my stay there that I sincerely loved.

While I was in England I spent time finding the British versions of all seven books. It was fun to read them. They're not overly different from the American versions, but they use certain words, like boogey (for booger), that made it interesting. I also enjoyed reading about trifles, a dessert, after having tried a few. That's not a common treat States' side, so it was fun to enjoy.

I also had the chance to visit Durham with one of the girls who was also in my same program. She did her undergraduate degree at Durham University. We went back for a Halloween event. Though visiting the locations where Diagon Alley and parts Hogwarts castle were set was not the highlight of that evening, it was still one of those really pleasurable moments. I didn't get any good pictures of it as it was already dark when we arrived that night. What an adventure.

Friday, June 28, 2013

Insomnia

I'm stuck at wide awake and totally tired in the same moment. 

I just want to fall asleep and my body is not having it. I hate when I can't sleep. 

Saturday, June 15, 2013

What a HUGE bummer

So, I'm in the library working on the fifteen 500 word essays I have due for Monday kill me now, people, when Dr. Q. walks up with several books for a journal article she's revising to say hello (if you don't remember or didn't see my posts about Dr. Q. from the past check out this and this). I'm thrilled to see her, as always, because she's such a flipping rock star and I totally want to be her best friend (in a sincere and non-creepy way). I so wish I could accurately convey how amazing she is to y'all. She's really that excellent. No joke.

Anyway, we start talking a little bit and she explains that she's excited to have received an awesome gig to serve as a visiting faculty member at the school where she earned her PhD, which is also one of the best programs for higher education in the country. It's going to be a year long, and she's leaving next week, etc. etc. 

Now, she grew up in that state and has a lot of family very, VERY nearby. That's a massive draw. She also was already set up to be taking a sabbatical this fall semester to work on some really ground breaking research in an area that she is so clearly excited about, it's amazing. But, as she explains about all the awesome she's got going on, I begin to realize that she will not be here in the spring of 2014 if this position is for the next academic year. 

I was already bummed that I wouldn't be able to take a class with her this fall because of the sabbatical, but now she won't be back at OU before I graduate. I don't get to take another class with her at all, as I'm set to graduate in the Spring of 2014. I wish I was kidding when I say I am so sad that I want to cry about it. But, I am so not joking. I totally want to cry about this. 


I could blame the irrational emotion over a college professor on the upper respiratory infection I've got right now, but I'm pretty sure that cannot account for all the other times I've been an awkward crier in my life, so I'm going to chalk it up to the fact that I am really lucky to have had an opportunity to learn from some of the greatest educators in this program, and I'm bummed that I won't have a chance to take another one with the best of bunch. 

Damn. 

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Yes, that.

As much as I love class, and I do love my classes, summer school is still trying to kill me.

I have fifteen 500 word essays to write for Monday. Awesome. Not.

My eyeballs also feel like I went swimming in the ocean for ten hours while clothes pins hold my eyelids open. They hurt, a lot.

I need a nap, an extra week to do all the things, something to make me sleep, and some simple solutions to big problems that I can't fix.

Yes, that.

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

This and that and whoa, a lot.

Summer school might be the death of me. There was a mistake online and I thought my course was spread out over the next few weekends. WRONG. It's the next two weeks Monday-Friday 1-5pm everyday.

This means I'm working from 8-noon, summer school from 1-5, meetings and events following, and then around 100 pages of reading every night plus assignments on top of that. I am a lot luckier than some - I'm not working full time. I do feel rather overwhelmed though.

I've lost five pounds in the last four days though. Hurrah! I'd like to keep that trend going.

I also have Alex's wedding this weekend. I'm a bridesmaid. I'm so looking forward to celebrating with her and Jeff. She's going to make a STUNNING bride. There is no doubt of that. It's just getting out of this head space that I'm in right now to fully enjoy the celebration. I think Friday morning mains and pedis with the bride and other bridesmaids will be just the trick.

start.rant//Norman does not have anywhere I can find a pair of black, satin, peep toe, pumps. Um, WHAT?!? It's not like I'm looking for 6 inch hot pink and electric blue metal studded wedges in size 13. I'm looking for a wardrobe staple shoe to wear with my dress and can't find a pair. I suppose I deserve it for waiting so long to look for a pair. I'm just super strapped for time and need to make an OKC trip at some point. Ain't nobody got time for that.//end.rant

Anyone else have fun plans for the weekend?

Saturday, May 25, 2013

Broken

I'm in love with a man that I've just broken up with. That makes no sense, does it? No, it doesn't. 

He's the perfect man for me. He's kind, aware of my needs and utterly willing to meet them, so full of love and tenderness for me, encouraging, patient, honest. He's wonderful. 

But he lives 4500 miles away and I'm not strong enough to do distance any longer. He was willing to put everything in his life away for me. He planned to move all this way, just for me, and I told him I couldn't wait. 

I caved to the pressure I feel from everyone else to be able to explain our age difference, when the only explanation I have is that I love him. I'm in love with him.

I think I've made the biggest mistake of my life. I've been looking at what it would mean if we eloped, so he could legally stay here, so we wouldn't have to wait... Even then, I have to have a full time job to prove (to the government) I can support us both until his  work status was changed. I don't have a full time job, I can't prove that I can bring him here. 

And it feels like I can't keep waiting. I am such a fool. I hurt everywhere. I deserve it for hurting my best friend, the man I love, like this. I don't deserve him and his love. That much is obvious. I'm an idiot, a fool, and I'm cruel. 

I am so broken.

Tuesday, May 21, 2013

Moore, Oklahoma

Yesterday I posted about the tornado that ripped through Shawnee. Oklahoma. What I didn't know, what I couldn't know, was that within a few hours another EF 4 or EF 5 tornado was going to hit Moore, Oklahoma and tear it apart.

For those of you, like the most of the world, that do not know the geography of Oklahoma, Moore is less than 10 miles from where I live in Norman. Yesterday's storm rocked the heartland. The devastation from the storm is shocking and violent. The needs of the community are so heavy.

But Oklahomans will rise to the occasion and prove why disaster relief  is judged by the "Oklahoma Standard". You mess with one of us, you're going to get all of us. It is no less true today than it was during the May 3rd, 1999 tornado that hit Moore, or the April 19th, 1995 bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Building.



Monday, May 20, 2013

It's tornado season in Oklahoma


This is the tornado that ripped through Shawnee, Oklahoma yesterday afternoon. Today is apt to bring storms of a similar degree this afternoon. Parts of Shawnee were destroyed.

Norman typically finds a way to make it through the storms unscathed. Some say it's American Indian lore, others explain that it's simply a factor tied to Norman sitting in a valley. Either way, we usually get lucky. The storm that hit Shawnee hit us first. I was hanging in the basement of one of the residence halls for a good chunk of time, but there were none that touched down here. There were several funnel clouds with lowering and all that scary Twister type stuff, but we came out ok.

That tornado from the picture was a half mile to a mile wide. That's not a hide in your interior closet or bathroom and be ok kind of storm. That's one of the you must underground to make it through if it hits you head on kind of storms.

Give me a hurricane over a tornado any time. I grew up in Houston, so I've had my share of experience with both. Hurricanes probably do more wide spread damage, but you've got a week of warning to hunker down or get the hell out. Tornados... You might know there's an escalated risk for bad storms, but you're lucky if you've got 14 minutes of lead time to get underground IF you've got an underground place to go. They're no joke. No joke.

Welcome to life as an Okie. Stay safe people. Stay safe.

Friday, May 17, 2013

Number three: I have the best "family"

Post three in my series:

I come from a small family. I have three first cousins. We, meaning my brother, sister, and I, are not close to those cousins for various reasons including the age gap, how far away we live from one another, and general differences in disposition that make us less inclined to make massive attempts to change any of this. That may seem rude, and it probably is. I'm just calling it like it like I see it. (It's a two way street, they could make an effort, but choose not to either. I am ok with this.)

That said, our "family" is the best. It mainly consists of the family friends that my are people my dad either grew up with, or went to college with. Their kids are the closest thing I've got to cousins. They are the best.  I consider myself lucky to hang out with this crowd. They're the cool kids and I lucked into calling friend. Any one of them would have my back if I needed it. 

These pictures come from Kelby's (another one of my "cousins") wedding this weekend. I don't have any with the bride but, these are just a few of the important people I adore. 

Me and Sam

Susan, my mom, and Sherri

As my dad refers to himself, "the dad"

Susan and Monty

Jacque, me, and Sam

Jacque, me, and Sam enjoying the post wedding festivities

We're so attractive.

Someone should have taken away the technology at this point :). 
I am a lucky and loved girl. I only hope that I show them how much I appreciate them.

Wednesday, May 15, 2013

numero dos

Welcome to post number two about the crazy that I can lovingly call the past few weeks. 

I do not doubt you wait on baited breath to read about how Color Me Rad 2013 went. I won't drag out the suspense any longer, this is the post you anticipated. 


I decided to do a 5k a few months back. Now, I do not like running. In fact, I detest it. This is why deciding to run a 5k was somewhat out of character. Ok, a lot out of character. This is how my day started: 

Yes, I'm super fly. All clean and shiney, I was ready to go. I spent the last several months training for Color Me Rad. My initial reaction to training was somewhat skin to my thoughts on slathering myself with sugar water and hanging out in the Houston bayous without mosquito spray. That said, it got a little better. 

Then I fell off the bandwagon a bit when the semester went crazy on me. Combined with the course being mainly gravel and potholed road, and the fact I had a wedding to attend later that evening, I did not attempt to run the whole thing. I wasn't ready. I did the 5k anyway and had a lot of fun. 

This picture is right before the race started after the preface zumba class.

This photo is just after I crossed the finished line. I ran about 20 minutes of the 5k in total over several different parts. 

I could be disappointed in myself for not running the whole thing, and if running was my gig, I might be. But running hurts and it takes so much effort for me. I am just proud of myself for getting out there by myself. I was my own motivation. 

It was worth it and I'm going to keep working at it. I'm worth the effort. 

Sunday, May 12, 2013

first of a few

It's been a busy time in microcosm called graduate school. This semester consumed every bit of energy I held in reserve and a little more just for good measure. Lost somewhere between the good, the bad, and the ugly, I found a little bit of equilibrium.

I have pictures to prove it. This will be the first of a few posts summing up the past few months. 

Let's start with friends. This subject is both awesome and tough. I've made a few close friends at OU this time around. I've also spent a lot of time alone. Sometimes, it's just really hard. I've met some great friends that I've gotten to do really bomb things with. Kate is a perfect example. She's wonderful and we get along so very, very well.

We made these awesome ottomans from shipping palates. Yes, we're legit. 
Then, there have been other moments with people I would call friends that make me realize I'm just not a cool kid and probably won't ever be. I'm ok with being nerdy, passionate, and a know-it-all. I have to accept those parts of myself because I cannot change it no matter how hard I try. They've always been there.  I always considered myself a good friend, though. I am loyal, generous with my time, energy, and anything I can share, and I love to be my friends' biggest cheerleader. These are truths about me as a person. 

But, it hurts when a huge group of people I would have counted close friends from undergrad and some  people I've only come to know this year, but would consider friends, don't think to include me in some fun stuff they're doing. I wish I could say it's just a random oversight, but this is also a group of people I'd call the cool kids of undergrad. I was not a cool kid by any stretch, but I did work closely with many of this group so many times for different events. Some of them I even considered my closest friends from my bachelors'. I am learning that it wasn't necessarily a two way street. 

And that's really hard. I want to accept it and be thankful of the people I do have in my life. The ones that want me around as much as I want to hang around with them are the people who should matter. Still, when I realize that I'm not a cool kid and plenty of people don't think of me as someone to invite when they are the people I would think to invite, it makes my breath catch if it hits me in the right moment. Ouch. 

And all of this made me think. I'm grateful for the people who matter, and will work on reminding myself that not everyone needs to like me as long as I love myself. It's a process. I'm working on it.


Thursday, May 2, 2013

BFFL

I've made a new best friend. Have you ever met someone and it just clicks? If you haven't - there is still time. Don't you worry. If you have, isn't it just so nice?

That's how it is with Kate. Kate and I met about a year ago on an interview for the same position. The vibes from everyone on that weekend were weird, so I didn't really try to make friends. I wasn't being rude or anything, but we were all interviewing for the same 6-10 jobs... It was bound to be a little awk. 

Kate and I really met about a month or so ago. I ADORE her. She's sunshine and glitter and laughs and  artsy and yes. We get along SO SO SO well. Perfect example: we were talking about pintrest and then spent the next three hours searching for shipping pallets to steal from dumpsters take off some store that was just going to throw them out to DIY on. We were massively successful. For the win. We're going to have so much fun crafting this summer. In all the ways I'm crafty, she is artistic. And it's going to have some BOMB results. Just you wait, blogosphere, just you wait. 

And we had almost this exact conversation yesterday spontaneously.


She's a rock star and I am lucky to have such a good friend here. We're also insanely alike in some big ways, and yet so different in others.

I seriously love her.



For all the time I spend with other people, I felt pretty lonely in the past semester or two... This has been just what I needed. 

Sunday, April 21, 2013

thoughts for the day.

So, my dad went to therapy with me. I have a lot of feelings about this that I'm not overly ready to get into, but it has given me a lot to think about. I also want to preface all of this with a few things.

  1. I am exceptionally loved. This is not something I doubt and it is not something I have ever questioned. 
  2. I have never gone without anything I needed. 
  3. My father's care for me and my needs is so amazingly apparent in his willingness to fly 500 miles to go to therapy with me even though he is not a fan of therapy at all. 

One of the things that my therapist made mention of was how it's clear that I run the conversations Dad and I have had in real life, or the way I think they would go if we were talking about X subject, whatever X subject is, in my head over and over. Because I know his responses so well, and sincerely, I do know his responses and how they make me feel so well, it is exhausting.

I expend the emotions and mental worry over these conversations I hold in my head when I rehearse them which makes me not want to repeat the conversation in person for the exact same outcome and the additional burden of the actual experience as opposed to just the expectation of the awfulness of it all. Though my internal perception of what will come is typically spot on, it's worse in some ways because it's not actually my parents saying those words (until they do), but rather me telling myself the same things they would. It's a double whammy after it's come from me a few dozen times followed by the actual conversation with them.

So, I avoid bringing things up entirely and have become very good at just telling my parents the stuff they need to know on a need to know basis. They feel very cut out of the loop by this. I get that. It's my fault and a deserved criticism. I have done it as a way to protect myself from the weight and shame of being utterly disappointing. I also try to present everything as a complete and neat package so that I'm ready to field the upset and angry questions with all of the answers.

I'm too organized and too scared go in without every angle set, but that's what they don't like.

It's hard to know what to do about it. Really hard. But, I'm thinking about it and trying to figure something out.

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

I wanted to be lazy today.

I really, REALLY wanted to be lazy today. I won't be.


This is the only reason I will hit my run this evening. 

Monday, April 15, 2013

This and that.


I about died laughing at this post and the hashtags. You should check it out. 

Girls Wine Weekend in Dallas was a raging success. Pictures to follow - promise.

Also: I had Blue Fish (sushi joint) in Dallas for the first time. The rolls were UH-MAZE-ING. Seriously. The Sunday and Miami Vice were particularly delish. 

BUT, the Ahi Tower (something I was somewhat skeptical of based on the description) was so flipping good, holy cow, I want one now, all the noms. Whoa. 
This is what it looks like when they start (or something very similar)...

After they smoosh it together (smoosh is a very technical term). 

I wasn't sure it would be very good based on the second picture and the mediocre description. Wrong. Never been more wrong in my life, ever. It was so damn tasty. I want one right now. #getatmesushi

bahahaha

I laughed so hard I almost cried.




Again, you're welcome.

Sunday, April 14, 2013

You'll thank me later.

It's beautiful, isn't it? You're welcome.

I don't even care that it's April. That is brilliant. I love the interwebs.

Friday, April 12, 2013

today has been productive

and it's only 6:26 am.

Last night my dear friend, Kate, and I went to dinner/drinks/pretend to study/keep ourselves from freaking out over the state of our complicated, though exciting, futures together after our class got out at 7:05. We stayed at The Garage (a really great burger place in Norman) until 11:30, and then I came home to pack for the Girl's Wine Weekend in Grapevine, Texas this weekend. There will be more on that, promise.

So, get home way late (for a work night), have not packed, have not been to the store to get necessary things like razor blades so I don't have leg hair that has been growing out since Drew went back to England stubbly legs (I've been shaving my armpits - don't you worry), have not finished the massive spread sheet about PhD programs that I may or may not be applying to come September 1, and have not talked to my boyfriend who wakes up super early so I can stress/freak out at him for my own silliness. I'm a lucky girl on that count.

This all leads to the decision (at 1:30 this morning) to go to Walmart when I wake up at 4:30 (so I can get the necessary razor blades among other things) for this weekend. So, my happy (ha) self was at WalMart for 4:50 this morning, I've done the shopping, I've showered and shaved, I'm about to do my makeup and pack the very last of my things (toiletries mainly) for the trip, and then I'm off to work for two hours before my friends swoop me away south.

So, like I said, today has been surprisingly productive and now it's 6:33 am.

Friday, April 5, 2013

Whoa March

So, I was a bad blogger in March. I went from a whopping 20 posts in February to a measly 11 in March. Yikes.

I don't dig it.

I will say that I feel like I had some legitimate reasons. ACPA and Spring Break (which were both WONDERFUL - holy awesomeness) were each a week long and did not really include much blogging. I'm ok with this.

But, I'm back at it and not planning to let that be a trend. I'm an avid blog follower person, and I check at least 4 times a week on my favorites. I want them to be full of fresh exciting things every time (I know, I'm high maintenance), but that's only a tad hypocritical if I'm not keeping up the pace.

So, to apologize and rectify the problem, I'm sending love and awesome in the form of frilly pink dresses, super cute accents, and preciousness.


You're welcome. 

Thursday, April 4, 2013

damn nature you scary

Since most of you are not from Oklahoma, I can understand why you aren't so sure about this whole weather thing here. I mean, it can't be that bad, right? 

Well, unlike hurricanes where you have a week or longer worth of notice, you might have 5 minutes of warning with tornados. I mean, it's probably a sign that there are some crazy weather happenings in the area when the NATIONAL WEATHER CENTER has their government agency located in Norman, the number one meteorology program in the country is at the University of Oklahoma, and you have to have government clearance to take the classes and be in the building permanently... You know, no big deal. 

So, when I woke up to the loudest thunderstorm with hail on Easter morning at 3:30, I was also listening for the tornado sirens. It's not quite tornado season just yet, but hail is an indicator, and there was plenty of wind and hail happening. 

I didn't take this photo, I stole it from one of the news stations. 

Luckily, I didn't hear the sirens going off and my trusty iphone confirmed that there was no active tornado watches or warnings. That said, here is a picture of my friend, Alex, and me in the back room shoe storage area at Dillard's during an active tornado warning during the spring of 2010.


We were having fun, but the people stuck with us were slightly freaked out. We got yelled at by some lady because we had some tunes working. We also were shopping around in the store room area until some guy from Dillard's cut that short. Lame.


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

sometimes things are simple

I'm currently working on my Greenbelt project for the Lean/Six Sigma class I took a few weekends ago. 

"Six Sigma seeks to improve the quality of process outputs by identifying and removing the causes of defects (errors) and minimizing variability in manufacturing and business processes.[5] It uses a set of quality management methods, including statistical methods, and creates a special infrastructure of people within the organization ("Champions", "Black Belts", "Green Belts", "Orange Belts", etc.) who are experts in these very complex methods.[5] Each Six Sigma project carried out within an organization follows a defined sequence of steps and has quantified financial targets (cost reduction and/or profit increase).[5]" (Wikipedia)

"Lean manufacturinglean enterprise, or lean production, often simply, "Lean," is a production practice that considers the expenditure of resources for any goal other than the creation of value for the end customer to be wasteful, and thus a target for elimination. Working from the perspective of the customer who consumes a product or service, "value" is defined as any action or process that a customer would be willing to pay for." (wikipedia)




So, it's really thrilling stuff that is going to be *extremely* valuable for my career in Higher Education (please tell me you recognized the sarcasm).  

My dad said I should do it, so I'm doing it. Gotta love being an overachieving, people pleaser. It's been fine, but more more work to add to an already exhausting semester. 

Occasionally though, things are simple. I was able to download a report that had already analyzed the survey results from the customer satisfaction survey we did. Thank goodness for that. Holy moly. 




Saturday, March 30, 2013

relaxing

Today has been so nice in a totally lazy way. Holy cow, I feel like I needed it. I slept in, caught up on some stuff saved on my DVR. Then I hit the gym and grocery store. I grabbed BBQ to go for lunch, came home, hit the shower, and then I took a glorious nap.

Goodness gracious, it was excellent.

I also think I'm going through withdrawals from having Drew around. I miss him. It's nice being in the same place. That much would seem really obvious, and it is. I think what we have is worth it, but some days, like just after he's headed back to England, it's hard.


That picture is us at the dueling piano bar in Bricktown. It wasn't as good as the ones I've been to in NOLA, Austin, or Houston, but it was fun. A lot of fun. We enjoy the dueling piano bar thing so very much. It just makes me happy. 

Drew also has a hard time looking at the iPhone camera. haha. Oh the number of photos I have where he's staring off into space. 


Friday, March 29, 2013

need to get at it

Between ACPA and Drew being in town the running has fallen away a lot more than I wanted it to. This week has also been moving at about 500 miles a minute. At least it seems that way. It's just been a lot.

I did the bump up to a 5 minute run for the first time earlier this week. It was surprisingly easy for the first five minutes. I am going a lot slower than I initially was, but it's progress still. I am hoping that once I've got the distance down I can increase my speed slowly but surely as it gets easier. That's the natural progression, right?

I also am thinking about switching to running on the track every now and then. Out on the course I won't have the clock in front of me or the track of the treadmill propelling my feet behind me. I should prepare for that. The Huff, the on campus gym, has an indoor track. Maybe it's time to start transitioning to that? Oh magical interwebs, do you have an answer for me?

And I need a nap. Anyone want to work another couple of hours for me?


Anyone? Bueller? Bueller? 

Normally, I'm off at 12:30 (so, right now), but one of my coworkers had a baby last night. While that's excellent, I've picked up extra hours everyday to make up for her absence. This is good because I'll get more money, but more tiring for me too. Oh, tradeoffs.

Also, anyone want to hang out this weekend? I have no plans and would like some. Any takers?

Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Notice all the red?


Today, I am wearing red. Are you?

I believe, most sincerely, that everyone, ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE (with no exceptions) deserves the right to marry whom they wish regardless of sexuality or identity. Love is love is love is love. It is all equal.


Today, the issue of marriage equality goes before the Supreme Court. Today, I wear red to show my support of a cause that our children will look back at in awe and wonder why it was ever an issue for whether or not everyone was allowed to marry. Today, I want people to know exactly where I stand.

So, today I'm wearing red. Are you? 

Monday, March 25, 2013

I didn't fall off the blogging wagon....


Not that anyone noticed I was gone, haha. I have two totally awesome followers who I think are great. That's the grand total of my readership though. That's ok by me, maybe one day there will be more. But, that's not the point. The point is that I did not forget about the lucky two. I have a good reason for why I was MIA.

Drew came to visit for Spring Break! 

It was great fun. We really spent most of the time keeping it low key. It was wonderful. With how crazy my life has been for the past several weeks, it was actually perfect not to have a million things going on. 

We went to two OU baseball games, made a trip to Lawton, OK to work on a project for my Lean/Six Sigma greenbelt certification (what fun), went to a dueling piano bar in Bricktown, and just chilled. It was excellent.  

I am a lucky girl :). 

Thursday, March 14, 2013

it hurts so bad sometimes

My sister just told me that right after I left for college my brother used to tell her that she needed to make sure she went to the gym so she didn't end up like Mallory. By like Mallory he meant fat. Kirby was a pudgy little kid. She wasn't fat, but she wasn't skinny. Puberty, sweat, and pressure from a lot of people did what most of us would call wonderful things to her body. I think she's stunning. I also know that while I'm biased on that, it's also the absolute truth. She worked hard and the extra inches she gained in the height department I'm consistently jealous of worked WONDERS. Kirby is beautiful on the inside and the outside.

I find it ironic that I'm crying as I write this post considering how I celebrated a small accomplishment diametrically opposed to this conversation in my post yesterday. I also find it especially heartbreaking and hurtful considering that after Michael came back from his awful study abroad experience in China with an extra fifty-ish pounds packed on his body, I was the one to defend him to a lot of people. I've spent years on the receiving end of those god-awful comments. I would not wish that experience on anyone, including my (occasional) jerk of a brother, and yet that is clearly not a two way street.

I know I'm not perfect, but I am a good person. I work hard, love big, am loyal to a fault, and so sincerely enjoy being my friends' biggest cheerleader, but I'm the person my own sister is warned away from being similar to. I am the person she needed to watch herself around so she didn't end up like me.

You know, because what I've got is contagious. And, because we all know that being a fat person is clearly a worse fate than being a bad person. Clearly.

And the people who know me wonder why I'm in therapy...? Some days are good days, and some days just really suck.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

thumbs up

I hit the 230s. I didn't hit 230, but the first two numbers of my current weight are 2 and 3, in that order. I know that for a lot of people out there, you might be thinking, "Dang, that's something blog worthy?", but, for me, this is absolutely blog worthy. I'm a girl who definitely hit a whopping 302 towards the end of my senior year of college. I'm not busting out the happy dance at the 230s, but I am going to give myself a thumbs up and a nod.
or I'll let Taylor give me a thumbs up and a nodd. whatever. 
Random thought: why do we call it thumbs up even if it's only one thumb. That gif isn't TSwift giving me a thumb (singular) up - even though she totally is. 

Ok, back to why I'm posting, this is cool. I had a really long plateau, think 8 weeks long, of being in the 240s. I started running and still was not losing ANY weight... what the heck? I couldn't tell ya.

Regardless, I don't remember the last time I weighed in the 230s and this is coming off of Vegas and rich food, people. It could have been the end of high school... maybe? When you spend a lot of time feeling ashamed of your weight, and believe me, I totally have spent a TON of time being ashamed, you try to avoid the scale like it will give you leprosy forget the numbers on the scale ASAP. It doesn't feel good to look at a number that society tells you that you should be ashamed of, and I think that's probably putting it lightly when I'm totally honest. 

So, when I stepped on the scale this morning before work, saw 239.4; I did a double take, and smiled when the number stuck. It's not perfect, skinny, or even remotely in the normal/healthy range by any means, but it's a process. I'm taking steps to be where I'd like to be. I'm not there yet, but I'm closer than I was yesterday. And I get to give myself a thumbs up for that. 

High five to all the other ladies who have been here, who have struggled, and made it through. And to all the other chicas who are stuck, want to change, but are overwhelmed at where to begin or how daunting a task it seems to be, I feel you. I know where you are. You aren't invisible. I support your choice to stay exactly as you are or to make changes. You get to decide, and I support you either way. 

Sunday, March 10, 2013

exhausted much?

So, I slept for 18 hours yesterday. Um, what? 


Apparently, Vegas, all the excitement of ACPA, coming home to finish my Greenbelt class (not the project - that's just starting), knowing I have an exam to cram for on Monday, and everything else going on since the start of February sent my body into crash mode.

I don't think I've ever slept so long in my entire life. My mother would be ashamed. She used to tell us naps meant we were being lazy. I have worked hard to rewire that notion. Sometimes, they are just necessary and that's ok.

After my greenbelt (LEAN/Six Sigma) class in the morning and lunch/work time with my group to get the project rolling, I went home for what I intended to be a brief nap followed by time at the library to study for my Adult Learner test. That was about 2:30. I woke up at 8:30, looked at the clock and said, "Nope, no studying today." I used the restroom, crawled back into bed and went back to sleep. I woke up again around 1:30 for another bathroom break, then I went back to bed until about 7:30 this morning.

I was tired. 

And for the first time in weeks, I woke up totally rested rather than dragging as if I hadn't slept. 


It was glorious and necessary, that much is obvious. At least to me it was based on the fact that my body allowed me to sleep for that long. Even when I stayed up for 48 hours straight on one of the trips from England (stayed up all night to try and make me sleep on the plane - it didn't work), I didn't sleep more than 10 hours. Now, I'm at the library studying for my test tomorrow. I'm pretty nervous about it because I really do not know what to expect. That said, I'll probably be here for another six or seven hours to get that figured out. I got here at noon (when it opened) and expect to be here until 10 or 11. Maybe later. They close at 2 on regular (non-finals week) Sundays. 

I promise to make a post or two about the awesome that was ACPA. I just figured a bit of a study break  was necessary as well as a longer post since ACPA kind of threw all that off. 

It's good to be back, I think :). 

Wednesday, March 6, 2013

Cabaret

Nothing like an AMAZING drag show in Vegas of student affairs professionals to seal the deal on a totally legit conference.

Tuesday, March 5, 2013

Presentation time!

Ahhhh! We definitely present in 30 minutes... I'm so excited and beyond nervous. It's going to be good, I have no doubt of that. Dr. Q. Would never let any of her students fall flat in their faces, and I've rehearsed several times, so I'm as ready as I'll ever be.

Eek! Short post today, but I'll do a couple of long posts when ACPA is over and I've got more time.

PS. It's AWESOME.

Sunday, March 3, 2013

Viva Las Vegas

So excited! ACPA today. I have to get through a 9 hour workshop and flight first, but then it's Vegas time.

You should be jealous. I would be. Promise to keep everyone updated on the awesome

Friday, March 1, 2013

technology-ness

Me thinks that the blogger app leaves something to be desired. I seems to work fairly well when I use it via my iPhone, but I'm not totally sold on its functionality on the iPad. This is especially strange when I consider the fact that they're the same app. I mean, it's not like they have a different version for different devices in the case...

Also, I am not typing this from my iPad Mini keyboard case. I originally had a regular iPad but after having a Nook Color (that I loved), it felt big, bulky, and was just not the right size for me. The original was hard to put in a purse and just take off. It was BOMB, let's be totally honest about that, but not the right size.

After Christmas, Kirby and I decided to upgrade to minis instead. It really is an ideal size for me. I have fairly small hands, especially considering that I'm fairly tall at 5'6", so the mini just fits better. I adore it.

As I've often talked about, I'm heading to ACPA and Vegas on Sunday. I've been told not to lug around my lap top, but rather to use my iPad with a keyboard case instead. So, I bought one. I'm typing on it now, and as a perfectionist, I'm struggling and enjoying it. The keyboard is, understandably, small. I think it will totally work for me, but as of now, it will take some adjusting to.

I'll keep you posted of my long term thoughts. I am sure it has you gripping your seats and begging for more. Clearly :).

Thursday, February 28, 2013

productivity

I'm being uber productive right now. Not.

We're watching a film in class, and I'm writing this post. I don't typically do this...at least not in this master's program. I enjoy my classes. Massively. I think I'm lucky in that respect. I find them relevant, engaging, important. They mean a lot to me. What I am learning means a lot to me. The students I want to work with mean a lot to me.

I'm trying to figure out where I am headed in the long run and even still, a year from now. I have an extreme dislike for ambiguity and the unknown. I like having a plan and sticking to the plan. I don't always have to stay with the plan if something else comes up, but I am a fan of a good list, setting goals, making a plan and using it.

I can be a bit of a control freak. 
I know, shocking. I'm working on it.

As a back up to changing my entire personality, I'm working on a plan. Where am I applying for jobs? I graduate in May of next year. I want to work at OU so badly. I also recognize that I am coming from a really cool program where a big chunk of the people in the program would also like to work here full time. Reason stands that it's just not a possibility for all of the recent grads from OU to work at OU. So, I need to look beyond the beauty of Norman and my beloved Crimson and Cream. Dang thinking like a grown up. 

I also need to figure out if I am going to pursue a PhD at some point. I've already taken the GRE. Twice. I scored pretty well both times (better the second). Those scores "last" for 5 years. I took it fall of 2011, so I have until fall of 2016 to use those scores without needing to retake it. I have no desire to retake that test. It's gross. This is keeping in mind that I don't finish this program until May of 2014. I plan to work for a year or two before doing the application process over again. Otherwise my dad may disown me, or at least threaten to. 


So, I've got a bit of a time line to when I apply if I decide that's what I want. In that, I also need to figure out what I want to research (because that's what you do in a PhD) and what program I want to apply to. Maybe I apply to multiple programs at different schools in different areas. Do I pursue a doctorate in higher education and student affairs like I'm currently studying and love? Do I look into trying for a PhD in counseling psychology? Do I dare try again for the clinical psychology PhD? I mean, I've only already applied twice to those programs with no success. I don't know. I don't have an answer. 

But, that's the problem with my desire to have it all planned out, isn't it? Yes, it probably is. 



Wednesday, February 27, 2013

a not so small life problem

Ever have one of those days where the things that happen are clearly hilarious as long as it's not happening to you? Yeah, me too. 

So, I have, um, a rather large chest. I've been busty since I was 15 or so. They magically appeared. This was something of a surprise to me. My mom is not chesty in the slightest. Far from it. She's actually very petite on her upper body in general. She is your classic pear shape. I understand that your chest size is supposedly tied to your dad's mom's chest. I have not stared down either of my grandmothers' chests and have no intention of changing that any time soon. I just know that I have more than enough love to go around in that department. 

Considering that I'm still significantly over weight, this isn't a surprising fact. I look pretty proportionate in regular clothes. If I wear anything remotely low cut, I look RIDICULOUS. I'm talking boobs for days, people. I wore square necked shirt on my 24th birthday to go out with friends to celebrate. My mom told me I looked that a tramp right before I left the house in front of a few of my friends. It was encouraging, as I'm sure you can imagine. It's also the first time my parents have ever referred to me as anything remotely like that considering I dress pretty modestly in general. This is also funny because my mom was a total sorostitute and my dad a fratdaddy. My sister isn't overly modest, and they certainly have NO issues with that. I just don't often show them off. It can be a lot. 

I have to be careful when taking pictures because otherwise all you see is my massive chest. 

These are two examples of what I'm talking about...

This has been part of my life for ten years, so it's nothing new or surprising. Things hit an all-time level of WTF in the past few weeks though while performing a certain activity - you guessed it, running. Now, good bras are an absolute where I am concerned. There is no avoiding the necessity and sports bras are no exception. I'm ok with that. I also anticipate some movement when working out. Unless I'm holding on to them, I can't help it.   I have consistently had no issues on the elliptical with these sports bras. So, I wasn't concerned when I bumped up to running on the treadmill. Epic Fail.



Apparently, my older sports bras were just worn out because I came ALL THE WAY out of the top of a couple of them. As in, out of the neckline of my sports bra, moving up and down with a higher vertical jump than I have in real life, almost hit me on the chin while I was running at the gym, all the way out of my sports bra. This has happened three times with three different bras of varying ages. 

You may be wondering how it's humanly possible not to notice your boobs coming out the top of your bra... I didn't feel the bra sliding down or anything. I don't know why, but I just didn't.  I did, however, noticed more movement that norman and looked down. That's when I almost was hit in the face. I realized what happened at that point, but I was mid run, so I didn't think I could do anything about it without slowing to a walk. I tucked my arms against my chest, finished out my last 30 seconds, slowed to my walk and then tried to inconspicuously pull my bra back in place (the gym was packed and I felt sooooo awkward). 

I then texted my mom and sister, laughed at myself and my awkward boobs, and then finished my workout with at least one arm trying to keep them somewhat still. Hah. What can I say, such is life. I suppose that I should just keep a smile on my face and be excited about the brand new sports bras I got to go buy :). 

Can anyone else relate? Anyone else have an equally awkward moment? 


Tuesday, February 26, 2013

the bump up

The past two weeks have been rough on the 5k training. Part of this is because of how beyond busy I've been in the past two weeks. I have had so little time to think straight, much less hit the gym. Every spare moment of my time has been spent working on some project, reading for some class, taking care of another thing on the list. Running had to take a bit of a back burner.

Two weeks ago I bumped up to the 3 minutes on 4 minutes off. The first two workouts were great. I hit the full three minutes, no big deal. The third workout was awful. I struggled to get through it. I decided that I should do 3 x 4 again last week since I had such a rough time at the end of the week. Last week I was only able to get in two workouts because of the crazy schedule. It still wasn't easy. That's for dang sure.

This week was the bump up to 4x3. I definitely considered staying on 3x4, but that seemed weak. I don't want to whimp out on myself. That is really important to me, actually. I don't need another week of 3x4, I need to get my head on straight and my butt in gear.

The bump up made me nervous for a couple of reasons. The first is that this week follows two weeks of mediocre success. I have struggled at three minutes. That reasons that four minutes won't be any better, and quite a bit more of a struggle. The second reason is that this is the first week that the time running outnumbers the time walking.

It was tough. I didn't end up wholly successful. I also had to run significantly slower than I started out, but I can do four minutes. I didn't know if I could. For the real world, that may not be overly concerning, but it scared the tar out of me. I have a TON of room for improvement, I couldn't do four minutes on, three off, but I can do four minutes and I know if I get my head right, I can do this. So, I need to slow it down, get my head on straight, have a little faith, and have a lot of dedication, determination, and desire.

the pen thief

I'm the type of girl that feels very self-sconscious about somewhat strange things. I have all the normal insecurities, too. Don't doubt that (haha), but I always worry when someone wants to look through my iTunes folder, the music on my phone, or my pandora playlists. I have always felt that you can tell A LOT about a person based on the music they listen to. I've always had a fear that people will judge me for not listening to the "right" music.

I was involved with a group on campus my junior year of college that brought a bunch of campus leaders together once a month. We did retreats and other fun stuff, as well as support each others' events. One of the things we did was a mixed CD exchange. We had a month's notice to bring this mix CD. I literally spent an entire month coming up with the playlist of 18 songs. I listened to them in order over and over to make sure they flowed, that the mix was fun, that it wouldn't be something someone could judge me negatively over. I also put a ton of music I LOVED on there. It wasn't just a party mix. It was a little piece of me in that plastic case. I wanted the person who got it to like it, to think it was a fun mix, to be excited about the surprise of it all. I was thrilled to get the mix I got. It was awesome and full of music I didn't have before the exchange. It was legit. I made a point of communicating that to the person who's CD I got.

The night of the CD exchange I was so nervous. The one person in the entire group I hoped would not get my mix ended up with it. She was actually a sorority sister of mine. At the time of all of this, she lived three doors down from my bedroom in the house. I knew from the minute she introduced herself to me during my freshman year by yelling at a new member (me - I'd pledged to join the house all of three days prior to this incident) for ten minutes about something I had no way of knowing about, she wasn't a person I wanted to be close to. For non-greek people, you shouldn't yell at new members, or anyone really, but especially the new girls... It's a good way to make them not want to join. It's also something we are taught from the very first moment after you are initiated. Treat the new members like angels because we love them, want them, and want to show them how much they have to look forward to. Epic face plant fail on her part with that move. She then continued to prove that she was not a very nice person. She had plenty of friends, so I'm sure she is perfectly nice to them otherwise they wouldn't be keen on friendship with her, but it just happens that the nice side of her personality was not what she chose to show me on the regular.

Her loss. 

Oh, where was I? Yes, the strange self-conscious things. So, I worry about how people will judge me based on my handwriting. I am always impressed with people's scrawls. I have handwriting envy. This is true of me since I was a kid. I have found there is a particular point width of pen that I like my handwriting in, so I got a lot of them. I use them more than any other pens I have because of this. Well, not really like the way I write, but with these I am less likely to think that my writing is gross and shame worthy. Hence, the pen importance. 

Then they started diappearing. I could not find them. They were mainly missing from my office. Clearly, someone stole them. Clearly. I had the one I kept in my backpack of this style and the one in my purse. The other five should be in my desk drawer. Dang pen knapper. 

Until I decided to clean out the "pen compartment" of my backpack, that is. I found all of the missing pens. So, I admit it. I stole the pens from my own desk at work and took them with me. I confess. I am grateful that I didn't voice my pen thief theory to anyone but my inner self. That would be embarrassing. I will also say I didn't realize I was stealing my own pens. I think that much is clear from this post, but it is no excuse. 

Except maybe an excuse to buy more school supplies. I love school supplies... they make me so happy. Just ask my mom or sister. You only think I'm kidding about that.

So, what should my self-imposed punishment be, oh wise internet and blog followers totaling two awesome and lovely people? 

Monday, February 25, 2013

The best laid plans...

Campus closed today at 1:30. Both tonight and tomorrow's performances of The Vagina Monologues were moved to next week. My reaction to this news is utterly mixed.

Next week - Sunday evening to be exact - I leave to go to Las Vegas for ACPA. I am thrilled about this. I had a really good meeting with Dr. Q. today. She's such a badass. Really. I want to be her best friend, know her entire life story, and geek out over the awesome research she does. I mean this in the most positive, least creepy way possible.

That said, because of the weather the show has been moved to the Tuesday and Wednesday of the week I'm going to be in Las Vegas. On a scale of important things in my life ACPA is significantly more important than performing in TVM. I would pick going and presenting over being in the show every time. This doesn't mean that I didn't put a lot of work and effort into memorizing, getting excited about the show, and planning a lot of things surrounding the show. It just means that I'm bummed. It would have been fun to put up on the stage for everyone to see.

Part of me thinks this is probably a really good thing though. I need to do some research for practicum with D. tomorrow. Now, I have some spare time to get on it. I'm not really in the mood to buckle down right this second though. Oh motivation, where have you gone? I think it's hiding. *sigh*

I am going to hit the researching at 4:30. I've got 45 minutes to find the illustrious motivation to work. That will work. Hopefully. :)

Sunday, February 24, 2013

Snow day

Tomorrow we're supposed to get between 6 and 8 inches of snow dumped on us. I am utterly torn about this.

I hate snow. Ok, hate is a little strong, but I am extremely cold sensitive. I am ALWAYS cold. This summer over the 4th of July when it was in the high 90s and over 100 degrees, I had goosebumps all over my body sitting outside that evening when it was in the mid eighties. So snow is really intense and really cold for me.

That said, with that amount of snow we could get campus would possibly shut down. That would be amazing in terms of giving me time to work on all the things I need to get done. Then again, my mom came up from Houston specifically to see the Vagina Monologues. If campus is closed, we won't have the show tomorrow night. We will still perform Tuesday (as long as campus is open), but mom won't be there for that one. We also probably can't reschedule the Monday performance...

So, I'm torn. I suppose it's not a bad thing that I have absolutely no control over it. For once I think that's a good thing :).

Saturday, February 23, 2013

Is that really what I see?

There may be a light at the end of the tunnel for the crazy busy ridiculous that has been my schedule.

Now, I may just feel that way because I stayed at my office until 11:30 last night to "finish" the prezi for ACPA. I'll be referencing Dr. Q and D. again in this post so if you're interested in understanding who I'm referencing and why it's a big deal for me, check out this post. So, I say "finish" with the quotes because Dr. Q. hasn't looked at it yet. She may totally hate it, which is def possible and kind of makes me want to throw up because I really want to wow her. D. offered to look at it before I email it over to Dr. Q. D. Is a bit of a prezi genius. If you don't know about prezi you should totally google it. If you don't have time for that, think way more awesome powerpoint. WAY MORE AWESOME.

I worked on it for a total of six hours yesterday on top of work and meetings and other commitments. I'm really proud of the work I put in. D. is a prezi whiz. I'm really thankful that she offered to look it over. I have to hope D. will like it, too. We've already covered that I think they're both awesome. 

Woosa. 

On another note that leads me to think there may be a light at the end of the tunnel, I started the laundry. I know that this may not seem like something worth celebrating, but I was in desperate need to get it done. With everything else going on in my life that has just been something I haven't had the time or the energy to deal with.  My mom is coming up this weekend to see The Vagina Monologues on Monday night. She hasn't done my laundry since I was 14. She offered to do it for me because of all the other stuff going on. I seriously almost had a mild freak out about it yesterday, but it's a-ok. It's started, I will keep it up, and it will be finished. Thank goodness. 

And now, I need to hit the books and run my monologue about 75 times. It's memorized, I just want to make it second nature. Soon it will be over, and just one more thing I've checked off the to-do list. That is something I find exceptionally gratifying. So, I'm keeping my eyes on the prize and trying to work through ... well, EVERYTHING. 

Thursday, February 21, 2013

Goodness

Today, my very dear friend, Kaitlyn from Put A Bow On It, tweeted me about a post she may or may not write for tomorrow. It's about something that happened to her in middle school. I'm not going to write about it until she posts first, so I can link her story to it when I talk about it, but I will say that she handled the situation with grace and poise no seventh grader really possesses in real life.

I suppose I should say that she doesn't know that I've been blogging for a whole, what...13 days. I started this blog after she tweeted about her blog publicly to all her twitter followers. I'm already a pretty avid blog follower, so adding her's to the mix was pretty natural. Seeing what she committed to putting out into cyber space was extremely encouraging. Then again, Kaitlyn is extremely encouraging in real life. It made me want to try my hand at blogging again. I've decided I will tell her that I'm back on the blog wagon after I can say I've been actively posting 3 times a week or dang close to that for at least a month (unless she magically finds me, in which case that would be totally welcome and pretty flipping neat considering how many blogs are out there). I want to build some permanency with myself, so I'm cementing blogging into part of my routine before telling the people I know "in real life". 

So, by the time she finds this post it will be old and dusty, but no less true. 

Kaitlyn is actually my oldest friend that I wasn't born into being friends with. My family moved from Oklahoma City to Houston when I was two and a half and Michael (my brother) was three months old. My mom was painting, or house hunting, or something (shockingly, I don't really remember this being two and a half and all...) so my parents' closest friends from college who also happened to be close friends with Kaitlyn's family brought me to Kaitlyn's house for a pool party so my mom could have a break from a toddler and an infant. We met in the plastic baby pool and have been friends ever since. Considering that there are few things I've done for 23 years straight, the fact that we're still friends continues to impress me. 

Kaitlyn is a ball of sunshine, glitter, grace, and joy. You should be so lucky to count her as a friend, and if nothing else, you should for sure follow her blog. She is the type of friend you wish all friends were, most sincerely. She has always had a ready smile, a certain humbleness that is genuine and refreshing, an excellent competitive spirit that never bordered on obnoxious (which is impressive considering our schools play each other in football occasionally and we're both desperately passionate about our teams that meet on the gridiron), and a way of laughing at herself that never made me feel inferior to someone like her with as much star power as she truly possesses. Now, I'm about 105% sure she wouldn't believe these things to be as utterly true as I believe them to be, but I would like to direct you back to the part about being humble as evidence to support my case. 

Anyhow, Kaitlyn was the most beautiful bride I've ever seen. I have a funny perspective on lace wedding dresses. I think you have to possess a certain something to pull off the timelessness, the elegance, the sincerity that lace embodies to me. I don't think I could pull off lace. Actually, I'm almost certain I couldn't wear a lace dress based on my thing about them. My mom and I talked about how stunning she was in her lace dress, and it occurred to me that it was a combination of things. The first thing; she radiated joy on that day. It was show stopping. The second, and more true of my friend, was her goodness

I googled goodness looking for just the right definition to explain exactly why she was perfect in her lace dress. I found it. Dictionary.com says that goodness is, "the best part of anything; essence; strength". This could not be more fitting of Kaitlyn or made it more appropriate for her to wear lace on her wedding day. 
Kaitlyn and Andre at the wedding  ::  Kaitlyn and me age 6 at a dance recital  ::  Mrs. Stowe, Kaitlyn and me            

So, I'm a lucky friend. I will always wish that time and distance didn't do what time and distance like to do to friends, but I am beyond blessed to call her someone I know, much less a close friend even if we haven't gotten to be so very close these last few years. She is one of those people that I realize I have missed quite dearly when I come across something that reminds me of her. Reading her blog has that effect with every new post. 

So, check out Put A Bow On It and love on Kaitlyn bunches. You won't regret it. 


Wednesday, February 20, 2013

Geeking Out

If you haven't guessed it already, I'm currently in grad school. I'm getting a M.Ed. in Adult and Higher Education - I want to work at a university with students. So far I LOVE this program. We've got some real rock star professors who are really all that and a bag of chips. I also have really enjoyed my classes and the people in them for the most part. It's really exciting.

This semester I'm doing a practicum. I'm working in Residence Life on some assessment stuff. My practicum supervisor is someone I have been in class with before. I'll call her D. D is a doctoral student in program I'm in. I think she is kind of awesome. I want to be best friends with her and follow her around all the time. This is not meant to be creepy. I just think she's really cool. I like the way she thinks about things. She's funny, down to earth, and really easy to talk to. When I imagine my best version of myself there are parts of that picture that I've pictured because D has already begun to influence things I think about in a really good way. It makes me really happy that I have an excuse to hang around her when I'm working for her on practicum stuff.

Dr. Q. is one of the rock star professors in our program. She's dynamic, engaging, encouraging, and a top notch scholar. She really is headed towards being a super star in the field. I am working with Dr. Q. to present some of her research at a professional conference in Vegas in a few weeks. I don't know why Dr. Q. thought I would be a good person to offer the honor of presenting with her at a massive conference like ACPA to, but she did. I leapt at the chance to work with her. It's a big deal. I also would love to just absorb the awesome Dr. Q. has got going on, much like I would with D.

I am learning so much from both of them. Really and truly.

Dr. Q. is also the chair for D.'s dissertation committee. They work together fairly regularly. D has admitted to me that she is also kind of in awe of the awesome that is Dr. Q. This only further validates how amazing I think both of them are.

Today, D. and I were chatting after going over some stuff for my practicum assignments and we started talking about ACPA and Dr. Q. I confessed that I am so nervous around Dr. Q. because I want to make sure I do so much better than the minimum when presenting with Dr. Q at the conference. I don't want to do anything that could be even the tiniest blemish on her legit-ness (yes, that's totally a word). It's a big deal and I don't want to be disappointing, ya know? Then, D. told me that she and Dr. Q. have talked about me and how they're both impressed with the fact that I'm doing the work of a full time job on a 20 hour per week time frame with GA pay scale (insert dropped jaw and rapid hand movements while trying to refrain from jumping up and down). D. said, "Dr. Q. really likes you."

1. They talked about me! Two of my semi-idols from this program talked about me. 
2. I've impressed two people who I seriously look up to and want to impress so badly it kind of hurts. 

Hence, I am totally geeking out. Ah! 

Do y'all do this, too? 

Tuesday, February 19, 2013

today's personal to-do list:

I'm a big fan of to-do lists. I love being able to check something off the list. It gives me a sense of accomplishment, and allows me to make sure I leave nothing behind. I can keep track of myself and my progress this way.

This is today's list:

Tuesday, February 19th:

School:

  1. Review practicum website materials 
  2. Read and do reading response for Practicum
  3. Read, do reading response, and do unit summary 3 for Adult Learner
Life:
  1. Memorize Monologue
  2. Work on Prezi for ACPA
  3. Memorize Monologue
  4. Meeting at Blu with Erin about ACPA
  5. Memorize Monologue
  6. Run
Affirmation:
  1. Stop "whimping"out when running (yes, my notebook that I write all of this in really says whimping).
  2. You are worth it. 
  3. You can do it. 
Now, this should not be confused with my calendars (yes, that is intentionally plural) that has about 150 different other things that I need to remember or do for work, i.e., events, workshops, film screenings. This is my personal life to-do list for the day. 

All this in the name of organization, sanity, and motivation. I like to believe it's working... At least I keep telling myself that it is. 

Sunday, February 17, 2013

Things I'm working on in my life.

I sincerely believe in my heart of hearts that every person could benefit from therapy at some point in their lives. Whether you've survived the death of someone close to you, lost a job, watched your dreams stay dreams, recognized you're in a funk and need help getting out of it... going to counseling, talking through the things that are hard, that beat us down, that defeat us, it is GOOD.

There is absolutely NOTHING wrong with asking for help.

There is NOTHING wrong with admitting that sometimes we can't do it alone. 

There is NOTHING wrong with seeking out a therapist. 


There is so much stigma with asking for help to deal with emotions or mental illness. No one will shame you for going to the doctor to put a cast on your broken leg, to get chemo and radiation (literal poison to your body) to fight the leukemia. So, why the heck do we make a point of tearing down people who have the courage to ask for help for anything else???

Seeing a therapist gives you a few specific things that are sometimes hard to find in regular life. 
  1. A safe place to discuss things and people that it might not always be easy talk about to the people around you. 
  2. A third party perspective that has no ties to your life, and can offer another way to look at things without the problem of muddled connections that sometimes friends and loved ones have to take into consideration. 
  3. And, a person to help you work through your own reactions since we can't change anything else. It's impossible to change our environment, it's impossible to control other people, it's actually not even possible to control our initial reactions to things. That said, we can choose what we do with all that information. That's what therapy can help a person do. 
Now, I have to admit to being a little biased because I once dreamed of getting a PhD in Clinical Psychology and going into practice with kids with attachment issues. That probably makes me a little more pro-therapy/counseling that most.  And, I'm in therapy right now. That probably also makes me a little more pro-therapy than the average joe. I'm ok with that. 

Therapy is hard. I think it takes someone brave, someone strong, and someone who is willing to admit weakness to ask for help instead of putting pride ahead of their needs. And work. Therapy is a place to analyze, to talk, to plan, and find the ways to work so things get better. It's active, not passive.

One of the things we're working on right now is that I feel the need to do things for people, to constantly prove my worth or value to them as a person because I don't expect them to want me around based on my personality. I'm not so sure I want me, why would anyone else? It comes down to not believing I'm good enough for them to want me around if I fall short of the mark or am less than perfect. At work, this means that I will say yes to the things I'm asked to do, and do everything I can to work above expectations and well into excellent. This is also how I view my schoolwork. I put a lot of pressure on myself to perform at a pretty high level. Generally, this isn't a bad thing, but with me, it's not because I take satisfaction in a job well done, but because I am not sure they'll want to keep me if I don't do those things.

I've had some very specific instances that have knocked the fact idea that I am unworthy of acceptance and lacking in value way out of the ballpark and into my head so succinctly it becomes really hard to dislodge it from my brain. The easiest of these experiences to talk about that still can make me cry if you catch me on the right day is the story of when I went through rush before the start of my freshman year of college. If you're not from the south or a school with a massive Greek system, you might not fully understand this, but I was not invited back to any houses for preference night. I was cut from recruitment. Now, part of me wishes I could say this was because I didn't have community service hours, or had made mediocre grades, or didn't have recommendations. But, I know none of that is true. I graduated in the top 2% of my high school class, I was a legacy to a house not only on campus, but to the house my mom was actually a member of years before (she went to OU, too), I had volunteer hours out my ears, recommendations in triplicate to EVERY house, I'd held leadership positions in almost every organization I was involved with in high school which equated to about 8 in total, I was rushed by family friends' children at almost every house I went to, and I was savvy when I went through. I wore the right thing, said the right words, was excited, open, willing and so very ready to join.

On paper I was a perfect rushee; an ideal PNM. I was also fat. In reality I became the girl that no one wanted to wear their letters, to invite to date parties, to mar their pictures on facebook. To say I was devastated is an understatement of epic proportions. The message came through loud and clear. I was not worthy as I was, as I am.

Now, I did end up pledging in the spring of my freshman year to a wonderful house full of women I came to love dearly. They also happen to be one of the 11 houses that cut me the fall before, but I found a place to belong.

But, this is just one of the cases where I learned I was not worthy of people to love me because of who I am with devastating clarity. 

In my personal life, it's sometimes really hard...

I found this picture on pintrest earlier this afternoon. For the people I care for, want to spend time with, find myself drawn to, I see that I work really hard to impress them. I feel the need to make sure they recognize what I can do for them, and then that's why I'm allowed to hang around. If I'm indispensable, then I'm not so easy to ditch. I'm worth the effort. 

Therapy Man (my doctor... he doesn't know that I call him that, haha) says that I shouldn't do this. He says my overachiever tendencies are a great thing in general, but when I let them overrun my ability to see that I am worthy - just as I am, I tear myself down far worse than anyone else ever could. 

And it's hard. Very hard. I've had quite a few experiences, more recently than in my past, where someone has told me that I am not good enough as I am. When that's replayed in my head over and over I simply hear, "I am not worth it. I do not have value outside what I can prove I am able to give. So prove it. If you can't - obviously you don't deserve it." Whatever "it" is. I do not doubt my capabilities to perform, but faith in others to want me just as I am without what I can give them is not a sure thing in my head. 

So, I'm working on it.

On my other blogs that I've had (and not kept up with), I would never have written about this. Never. But, this is a place for me to be myself, to be honest. So, I'm being honest. I'm not perfect, I don't have all the answers, I need help and have asked for it.

I'm finding a way to make sure I know I am worth it. 

 

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